"You know how when you grab a woman's breast... it feels like... a bag of sand."

Well well babies, let’s blow the lid off this playoffs season already! Way to school ‘em Red Wings! Check this out quick:

1) Welcome on board for 11 more years, Johan Franzen! Ken Holland, in addition to being a primo general manager and all around excellent awesome dude, is a total genius. Now give me Hossa! Maybe even Hudler!
2) Two words: beard season (siiigh)
3) Yes, there is a real picture of me and Darren McCarty out there.

But unfortunately for everyone, much, much, graver news has just crossed my desk (and by crossed I mean somebody just left it on there with no post-it note, referendum, or paper clip. And there is a coffee ring right on here. Temps, I tell ya). Virgins who just got married and seventeen year old future prostitutes who think they’re doing their “guys” a favor: listen up. COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE IS NO PLACE TO GET SEX TIPS!!! Not only are they the same exact ones every issue since the days when sleeping around was considered “modern” and to be kinky was to shave your beave down to a scraggly little patch, but they aren’t even good. Here’s a few from the most recent list of “ways to make your man melt” or whatever stupid vernacular they’ve managed to drool out this week:

Be Just as Gung Ho for Sex as a Guy
According to a survey in Australian Cosmo, 38 percent of readers have gotten it on with a guy within 24 hours of meeting." By thrusting your hips up and down, placing your hands on his butt, pulling him into you and kissing him hard, you can direct the action.. That's not to say you shouldn't go for a ride. Try pushing him onto a chair, unzipping his pants, going down on him for a few seconds, then climbing on. He won't know what hit him, but he'll be happy as hell. For the ultimate in rough 'n' ready fun, try one of Cosmo readers' favorite bed games, called the Randy Wrestling Roll. Start by lying on your side facing each other, with your thigh flung over his hip, and guide his penis inside you, then entangle your arms and legs and start rolling around on the bed or carpet as you thrust into each other. The goal? See who can end up on top most often — but in this game, everybody wins.

Seriously? The one tip that I didn’t already know from every film, television, and book I’ve ever seen featuring business time, that wrestling thing, that isn’t even sexy. Eew, in fact, no way. And that other stuff about grabbing his penis and kissing him hard??? There isn’t a culture that ever made it past two people in the whole world who doesn’t know that stuff. And there’s more.

Push Your Booty Boundaries
You can steam things up at home by moving outside the bedroom and doing it on top of a sturdy table kitchen counter, bathroom sink, or hood of a car that's parked in your garage. Things get even hotter in Greece, where they boldly go where most cultures are too shy to venture. "Both men and women here enjoy anal sex, and no one considers it a big deal," says deputy editor of Greek Cosmo, Margarita Michelakou. Like bringing sex toys to bed or using flavored lubes, anal sex is just another option for spicing things up.
Another giant duh. Spice it up by moving to the kitchen? Whoo boy! Lets not get carried away! Even if you’re observing the roommate rule and not getting busy where the other one eats/sits/washes dishes, I bet any one of us could come up with more exciting places. And sex toys? Even the oldest trick in the book isn’t that obvious. So, since this kind of stuff is what all you virgins and newlyweds have to go on when exploring what Mystery calls the “Venuvian arts” (man, what a tool), Me and KP here are going to do you all a favor and compile a little list of T Shirt Size:Awesome sex tips that might actually work (pardon me, this might be a little candid for any of you who might have had a shred of respect for us before):

1) Compare his performance in the sack to an animal. Loudly. If you’re pleased; a tiger, gorilla, alligator, or T Rex are good options. If you are displeased; a piglet, parakeet, or broccoli usually get the point across.
2) Flavored lube, blah blah blah. How about you try orange marmalade, sausage gravy, or Tabasco sauce, you giant baby.
3) Generally, a man will do your bidding if you emasculate him enough, both in public and in times of intimacy. Unless your bidding is for him to marry you. Or like you. Or take you seriously.
4) It is okay for a woman to initiate sex, but don’t give that shit away for free, girls. $25 dollars an hour is both reasonable and fair.
5) When you’re all in the middle of it, don’t ask me. Tell me. “Can I kiss you?” is completely sissy and inappropriate.
6) Every fella out there says they appreciate a lady who wants her hair pulled a little. So fellas? Don’t get weirded out when a lady tells you to pull her freaking hair already. Jeez.
7) While the occasional talking is expected to some extent, avoid chatter and Chit-chat. Don’t talk about dinner, doctor visits, or your partner’s sister's abilities in the sack. Not cool.
8) Some potential dinner conversations that might turn a lady on: your tool belt, your love of cooking, or that time you saved a thousand kittens from a burning orphanage (but it’s no big deal). Possible dinner conversation turn-offs: how awesome you are at everything, how wasted you got, how wasted you are, your mother’s cancer, and anything you ever read in Cosmopolitan Magazine.
9) Sex in the City isn’t anything like sex in the country. It’s dustier, grainier, and the people are less attractive.
10) While it’s nearly unavoidable not to picture Burt Reynolds in the throes of passion, don’t call him Burt Reynolds, unless he really is Burt Reynolds. Usually mentioning Burt in the sack ends in a conversation about how awesome Smokey and the Bandit is, which is fine, but again, not sexy.
11) The kitchen, bathroom sink, or the hood of a car are fine, but try these smacktastic locations: bait shop, preschool, port-o-john, or combination baitshoppreschoolportojohn.
12) Busting out of the bathroom dressed like Han Solo is A-OKAY. Busting out of the bathroom dressed like Chewbacca is A-OKAY. Looking like Chewbacca without a costume is a little yucky.
13) Names and the shouting of names can be sticky wickets. Write it on the back of your hand to avoid an awkward situation.
14) Hot dogs, hoagies, burritos, Popsicles, bologna, French bread, and pickles are all shaped like penises, so make sure your lady eats one of each on every date to get her all greased up and in the mood.
15) Please remember, a little uncomfortable is fun at first, and above all, you’re both already naked, so what is there to be shy about? You’re both there to, so have a little fun.

And ladies? In reference to Cosmopolitan Magazine, ever notice that while you’re sippin’ on your double iced skinny soy with whip during a break from your profesh (we should totally plan a vacay by the way, me and my peeps need to do some serious chillaxin’) and flipping through this month’s totally amazing issue of Cosmo (referred to by themselves as “the bible”, if I EVER hear anybody I know do that, slap city, bitch) featuring some bland starlet with one hand on her hip and one hand on the top of her head, smiling blankly through her blonde highlights on the cover, that THAT MAGAZINE HAS BEEN EXACTLY THE SAME ISSUE EVERY MONTH FOR SINCE IT’S CREATION? Ever notice that? How the embarrassing moments and the articles about fun females (she totally works sixty hours and can somehow balance that with cribbing amazing threads, making her man melt, and drinking 300 appletinis per week!), clothes, and whatever else nonsensical fodder in between Candie’s ads is always the exact same shit every time? Do they really think that’s helping anyone? OMG!!!!

Saying things like “peeps” “profesh” “vacay” “crib” “amazing” “man candy” “nooky” “cannoodle” and “convo” do not make you sound intelligent, fun, or fearless. They make you sound ridiculous. Everybody else, you can thank me later. Love!