We didn’t do anything really cool this weekend except for have beers and burn CD’s illegally (bite me, iTunes).
We’re just going to start off with a list of things I (Stef) would do to get next to a certain semi-pro not-famous-by-any-means-maybe-skated-next-to-Chelios-but-aint-no-steve-yzerman local hockey player tough guy who just happened to touch my arm the other day. Followed shortly by a similar list of things that KP would do to subsequently get next to the guy who wears girl jeans (rocks them, rather) and works at the coffee shop by our house. In no particular order:
1) Sleep my way to the position of head suit fitter at the Men’s Warehouse in Kentwood (or even Wyoming), just to get a better look at that in-seam. I understand that the competition at Men’s Warehouse is cutthroat, but I’ve also seen the movie Wall Street. Assistant Store Managers, consider yourselves fellached.
2) Learn how to grill $2.50 cheeseburgers because apparently he likes those. I know now that when you cook beef you can put the grill (foreman or otherwise) on “high”, so I’m already half-way there. I’ll be winin’ and dinin’ in no time.
3) Privacy-check his sauna, and by privacy check I mean find the best place in there to hide a video camera.
4) Actually learn hot-chick self defense so I can pound all of those silly bitches who just want to date him for his Grand Rapids semi-pro salary. Since I don’t wear much makeup normally I’ll be lighter and considerably more agile, not to mention have a wider line of vision and won’t have to stop all the time to re-apply. If it’s prison rules, I think I’ll have a pretty good chance.
5) Befriend his mom. There ain’t no getting around that one, Buddy.
6) Punch a granny. Especially if she was in his way. "Is the fact that granny is walking near you bothering you? Huh? She is?" Pow to granny!
7) Buy a dog. That way I can walk said dog in front of his house as many times a day as needed to "accidentally" run into him on his way to his car.
For the coffee-shop girl jeans guy, KP would (she didn’t write this, but she honestly would):
1) Survey her closet and after a careful piece-count of every shirt that she owns that has stripes on it, finally (tearfully) admit her emo-ness, break down and buy that Paramour CD that she’s been secretly eyeing.
2) Become well versed in the world of the printed word, covet the precious journals and poetry books that probably litter his bathroom floor, embrace Plath and Bukowski completely, in other words, actually read a book once in a while.
3) Become one hell of a baker. I mean a gingham aproned, chicken-shaped oven mitted, poppin’ fresh loathing, dutch-doughnut master baker, just because this guy looks like he could really use a cupcake.
4) Get all scientific on his ass with an article about the physical rules of unspoken attraction and how it’s detrimental to the body to not act upon such urges, in public bathrooms or back-offices or walk-in coolers, etc. and get it published in one of those science magazines that they sell. Yes, there will be charts and graphs.
5) Privacy-check his bedroom, and by privacy check, make sure no one else can see when he goes in there at night and puts eyeliner on and photoshops a picture of himself over the picture of Jared Leto on the cover of the 30 Seconds To Mars CD.
6) Befriend his mom (see item #5 of stef’s list). Knowing KP, his mom would freaking love her after fifteen seconds. Brother, you’re goose is cooked.
I'm sure more will come things will be added to the list over time...stay tuned
Monday, March 31, 2008
In the beginning...
Ok first of all, I know what you’re thinking and before you write this off as just another two chicks who feel like their opinions are so important and so relevant that they need to put them up all over the internet, only furthering the notion that the internet is no longer the source for valid information and honest partnership that it once was, and more and more is becoming some dump site for bullshit and silliness know this: mine and KP’s opinions really are that important, we are always right about everything, and we actually are the end-all-be-all of cool and not cool.
Period.
So, before you clear your screen and crack your knuckles and go back to responding to your desperate high school guidance counselor and mail order bride internet friends from the safety of your mom’s basement, bookmark this shit and thank the Gods of Awesomeness that you no longer have to make decisions by yourself.
You’re in good hands now and you can trust us completely.
IMPORTANT NOTE: THIS BLOG IS NOT EMO, SO WHEN WE SAY SOMETHING SUCKS, IT ACTUALLY DOES, IN FACT, SUCK AND WE’RE NOT JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE WE THINK EVERYTHING SUCKS.
Ok, credentials. KP is a tall, hot, chick scientist/movie renting genius and a recovering dutch person with a college degree in Awesomeness Studies and affinity for punching people in the face. She is kind of emo and probably won’t date you. She is right about everything, all the time.
Stef is a self-imposed hippy and future librarian/perverted old lady with a penchant for beer, hockey, and dirty rock music. Her degree is in advanced def jam. She is not emo at all, and has low enough standards that she might date you, but probably not. She has never been dutch in any way, and is also right about everything all of the time.
Now for the contributors. They are just that, contributors. They are those who fancy themselves elitists of some sort, think they can hang, and are mostly sucka free. They most definitely will date you, and probably will take their tops off at the slightest whiff of anything with alcohol or barbeque sauce. I promise, all suckas will be appropriately labeled.
So this is how this thing will work. Me and KP are going to review all kinds of stuff around this little slice of purgatory known as Grand Rapids, so you all will know for sure this time whether whatever-it-is truly is cool, or whether the person who told you about it is actually not cool. You don’t even have to thank us, but feedback is always appreciated so if there is something that you want to know in complete confidence that the reply will be nerd proof, non-biased, and 100% accurate, please let us know. And remember, we’re always right about everything, and we are here to help.
I can imagine we’ll need to explain ourselves better for this one…
Period.
So, before you clear your screen and crack your knuckles and go back to responding to your desperate high school guidance counselor and mail order bride internet friends from the safety of your mom’s basement, bookmark this shit and thank the Gods of Awesomeness that you no longer have to make decisions by yourself.
You’re in good hands now and you can trust us completely.
IMPORTANT NOTE: THIS BLOG IS NOT EMO, SO WHEN WE SAY SOMETHING SUCKS, IT ACTUALLY DOES, IN FACT, SUCK AND WE’RE NOT JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE WE THINK EVERYTHING SUCKS.
Ok, credentials. KP is a tall, hot, chick scientist/movie renting genius and a recovering dutch person with a college degree in Awesomeness Studies and affinity for punching people in the face. She is kind of emo and probably won’t date you. She is right about everything, all the time.
Stef is a self-imposed hippy and future librarian/perverted old lady with a penchant for beer, hockey, and dirty rock music. Her degree is in advanced def jam. She is not emo at all, and has low enough standards that she might date you, but probably not. She has never been dutch in any way, and is also right about everything all of the time.
Now for the contributors. They are just that, contributors. They are those who fancy themselves elitists of some sort, think they can hang, and are mostly sucka free. They most definitely will date you, and probably will take their tops off at the slightest whiff of anything with alcohol or barbeque sauce. I promise, all suckas will be appropriately labeled.
So this is how this thing will work. Me and KP are going to review all kinds of stuff around this little slice of purgatory known as Grand Rapids, so you all will know for sure this time whether whatever-it-is truly is cool, or whether the person who told you about it is actually not cool. You don’t even have to thank us, but feedback is always appreciated so if there is something that you want to know in complete confidence that the reply will be nerd proof, non-biased, and 100% accurate, please let us know. And remember, we’re always right about everything, and we are here to help.
I can imagine we’ll need to explain ourselves better for this one…
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