And Speaking of Fine, Hand-Crafted Microbrew Excellence…
For you beer lovers out there, we’re in a prime spot for delicious deliciousness here in Grand Rapids. Believe it or not, there are some fantastic home-brews right here in our back yard (or our neighbor’s backyard, which is way cooler and has a pool). And since we’re getting into summer a little bit, nothing goes better with sitting on your porches, patios, what have you (did you know some places even have a beer garden? Not quite as cool as they sound, but Frisbee-hackey-sack-legalize-it fun anyway) than a frosty glass/bottle of your favorite beer snobbery. If you don’t have one, get one. Here are some of my picks for a good pint:
Founder’s Brewery- downtown. They make the IPA. They make the Dirty Bastard. They make the Devil Dancer and the diabolic Red Rye. Anything they serve will get you making baaaa-a-a-d choices quickly if you’re not careful. Fair prices, good selection, awesome associate brewmaster. They just upped their kitty quite a bit and moved into a fancy new location, complete with a decent stage, space-age smoking greenhouse thing, and neat outdoor seating. I can’t wait until the summer when they roll those huge doors open and we can all chill Boulder CO style. For the warm weather their Rubeus is absolutely magical. Go see Sweet Japonic play there if you get the chance, they’re fun to rock to, their songs are all pleasing, and the singer is a stone fox. If you attempt to order a Bud Light, the bouncer will punch you, right in the nose.
Food: Yes. It’s a new thing. The sandwiches all have funny names, but I’ve never actually eaten there so I can’t tell you if they’re good. I’m sure they’re nature-tastic though.
Ambiance: Laid back. They have a lot of friendly regulars so make yourself a few friends once in a while. Small-town version of a big city brewery. Good place to take your dad or your well-traveled, slightly fancy step-brother (hey, Josh!) good place to find a real “breakfast beer.”
Music: Live often. They have a house jam band built in. there is usually a cover if there’s a band but more often than not, it’s worth the five-spot to get in. The jukebox is always dominated and full of random jam bands and Led Zeppelin and Beck and stuff. Good place to see your favorite off-jazz sestet, conga drum collective, or sensitive singer-songwriter live. Decent acoustics, interesting outdoorsy atmosphere, and if that doesn’t do it for you, remember that you’re standing in a literal forest of beer.
Bell’s Brewery and Eclectic Cafe- Kalamazoo. WORTH THE DRIVE. These guys know what the hell they’re doing when it comes to beer brewing. This is the Mecca of Michigan microbrews. Best Brown, Two Hearted, the Consecrator, summer staple Oberon, Expedition, HopSlam. There isn’t a beer that I’ve had that I didn’t love, both in the glass and the bottle. I’ve never been there when I didn’t have to pay cover to get in, but like I said, it’s worth the trip. They call the place Bell’s Eclectic Café during the day and it certainly is. The joint looks like Wonka’s factory from the outside and acts like it inside (no oompa-loompas or beer river, but there is a beer garden full of kids who want to buy drugs off of you). There’s a bunch of random shit in there including lots of antique cartoons, sineage, and some huge-ass bugs (under glass. Gross, I know). Oberon is a summer staple amongst the general population, and they made it good this year. Their Best Brown and IPA is also highly recommended. Actually, you can’t go wrong with any beer they serve. Anytime. Ever.
Food: Apparently yes, but who cares?
Ambiance: uh…eclectic? Two levels of seating even though the whole place is non-smoking. Lots of natural oak, chalkboards, fancy bar, very charming. The prices usually deter the wasted WMU students who crawl all over the place down there, so don’t worry about beer-pong nite or Lil Wayne jukebox picks. Lots of adorable men, but I’ve never seen a hot chick go near that place, unless you’re cool with that self-proclaimed “whimsy girl” who wears pigtails, is wry about everything, and always on her cell phone. OUTDOOR BEER GARDEN. Yeah it is that cool, it’s like Central Park all tucked into downtown Kalamazoo. Except this one serves you.
Music: Almost always a live band. More frequently now that their insubstantial step-brother Kraftbrau closed down. They can even pull some pretty big (relative, still no place for Gogol Bordello though) acts. Outdoor venue for when things get extra special. Heaven if you have a taste for fine beer and an open mind.
New Holland Brewing Company- Holland. Worth the drive if you spend the day at the beach. Worth the drive if you’re on a date with someone that you really want to impress/get drunk. New Holland is (near as I can tell) the one decent venue in all of Holland, so don’t plan on leaving once you get a seat, and considering all the wonderful selections you’ll be sampling, they’ll be pouring you out at the end of the night, anyway. New Holland Brewery is responsible for delectable Michigan staples like Mad Hatter IPA, Poet Oatmeal Stout (recommended if you like dark, creamy, not-too-bitter sexiness), summer Sun Dog wheat, and the commanding and panty-dropping Dragon’s Milk, who’s aroma alone will have you crying out for Beowulf to drive you home.
Food: Definitely. They specialize in food pairings at New Holland, your favorite delectables and their most precious alcoholic counterparts. Bring your checkbook though, it’ll cost you. Plus, they have pizza. Wood fired. Garlic and artichoke hearts and goose livers, whatever. Enough said.
Ambiance: small-ish and cozy but you must remember that this is Holland so lots of fancy make-up and un-admitted plastic surgeried-up wives with rocks that could pay for an entire tribe in Africa to go to Harvard. Lots of getting drunk under the table. Like I said, good place for a date, business dinner, or cheeky rendezvous with one of the guys who’s married to said surgeried-up wife. Nowhere else around to go, so plan on staying there. If you roll deep, make sure they can behave themselves in public, and have discerning taste for a good, crafted pint. Great outdoor seating.
Music: Never heard any there, but I assume they have small live acts once in a while. Not a place to seek out a rockin’ show. Check out their website for a bunch of cool beer-snob stuff going on this summer like beer brewing forums and cigar classes, and it is on the beach kind of, which makes up for the lack of harmonica.
The Hideout Brewery- Plainfield Ave, Grand Rapids. Haven’t been there yet so I can’t tell you if it’s any good or not. But what I can tell you is that the building used to be a Hubba Tubba and they were brewing something, but it definitely wasn’t beer. Man, I hope that’s not where they got the idea. If they have a beer there called “Used Band-Aid” or “Little Swimmers” run. Run run run. I can also tell you that they’ve changed names a few times in the few years that it’s been a brewery. I’m not saying anything, I’m just saying. However, we’ll probably try it before too long, so be on the lookout for an update. If there’s no jukebox, I’m gonna be pissed.
There are also a few choice little hamlets around here that don’t actually brew beer, but retain the honor of having beer snobbery be their upmost priority nonetheless.
I know I mentioned Hop Cat before, but they have one million different fancy microbrews right on tap and they actually serve it in the proper vessel for that particular beer (example: there is actually such a thing as a pilsner glass). Their menu is split into Michigan microbrews, USA, and international. Seem a little obscure? If you don’t trust your buddies to order for you, or you can’t (for whatever reason, ya big lush) read the poetic descriptions on the menu, ask your expert server for a recommendation. If you get the curly-haired French Canadian guy he’ll pick a good, honest selection with a minimum of heckling and eye-rolling, but the short bleached haircutted guy is surly. Look out for that guy. The food there is pretty tasty, the crack fries are 100% righteous magic, and the grilled cheese is verbatim, the best Juan has ever tasted. They also have fish tacos. So there you go. If you try to order a Bud Light, that surly guy will even get down off his pedestal, remove (in the surliest way possible) his white kid glove and slap your face, sir. Why don’t you check out chubby-chicks-in-booty-shorts night at McFadden’s?
Grayden’s Crossing- Plainfield and Leonard. This place is sweet, I’m not going to lie. Good place to meet friends, good place to take a date, good place to watch sports, good place to break up with/get dumped by your boyfriend and then try not to laugh while he takes a leak in the parking lot. Great patio area, and a whole chalkboard full of tasty brews. They’ve even got Rogue Brewery’s Dead Guy Ale, which is beautiful. Plus, most of the staff will tell you if the beer is actually awesome, or it’s just a clever title (the Dragonsmeade Under The Kilt is actually pretty good. If anybody wants to check that place out with me it’s on the East side of the state somewhere and I’m down). Graydon’s also has these beer cocktail things that are a little bit girlie but delicious and fun to drink (Guinness and cider, Guinness and lambec, etc), and all kinds of tasty vittles too. That guy from Germany loved the burger (everything is bigger in America, ya? Hi Hansi!) but they’ve got an interesting menu of Irish/English and Indian cuisine that’s discerning enough to foil even the highest-maintenance of girlfriends. There are dartboards and a crack-machine, probably Keno, and definitely this weird big door thing that doesn’t really serve a purpose but to ponder (we’re having a door pondering meeting next Thursday by the way, bring your Kirkegaard and join us. Why is it there? Where does it lead to?). Rumor has it even that they’re getting all satin panties on us and opening a restaurant in East Grand Rapids’ Gaslight Village. Mortgage schmorgage. Enjoy the crew team.
Martha’s Vinyard- Union Street downtown. Yes it’s a party store, but it’s more of an upscale delectables/wine/cheesecake/fancy mustard type party store than a Cheetos/Old Style/barf-in-the-dumpster type party store, even though I bet they have that stuff too. Martha’s is the type of place where you can get your Newport Kings with a side of kalmata olives stuffed with herring. It’s cool. If you’re new to the sprawling kingdom of fancy-pants beer, this is the place to go, cause the guys at the counter are trained to tutor your Bud Light ass in their image. Enjoy pick-and-choose single bottles of all kinds of Michigan and national beers. Marvel at all the German words and funny dots over the o’s. Spend the money on a bottle of St. Bernardus, it’s Belgian and when I had it the first time I was ready to settle down and move in with it. Thinking about kids and fences and lawnmowers and stuff. Then shuffle a couple of coolers down and reminisce about how you used to like the taste of Natty Lite. Ptooie, you’re in the good stuff, now. It’s not the best selection of bottled beers I’ve ever seen, but it’s the best within walking distance and that’s what counts because you can’t drive if you’ve had more than one sq. oz of brewski and its just plain foolish if you ask me. Speaking of that, ask those guys behind the counter what they’re into and not to bullshit you, or else you’ll walk out of there with a case of MGD, you’ll do it, you swear! They can order brews that they don’t have, and if especially you’re feeling the Bavarian/Belgian vibe, they at least keep it in stock. For a bunch of beer snobs and wine guys, they’re pretty nice. Downright friendly actually. I would advise against the pizza next door though. It may look fancy, but it’s crummy at best. Not even sexy a little bit. What’s the deal, guys?
And finally, for you brave (please say experienced) fellows out there, there is Siciliano’s Market out on Lake Michigan Drive who will teach you, cultivate you, and keep your shit in line if you’re interested in brewing a little soup of your own. This place is cool because you can see all the little parts of your favorite brew before you drink it. If you’re interested at all where this stuff comes from, the guys from Siciliano’s will tell you. Please be sophisticated though, and don’t order Bud Light. Large already-brewed selection available also, including the neat pick-your-own 6-pack feature.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
T-Shirt Size: Awesome presents Movies
For those of you who may know me well or even just a little, you know my obsession with movies. I (KP) work at a video store, and it is not because I need the money. It’s for the five free movie rentals a week and the ability to argue endlessly with ignorant customers about how the newest Rambo movie was not a good movie but a pile of human remains that Stallone threw together while he was high off snake venom. Movies are indeed an obsession of mine. I love everything about them. Now, please, do not ask me what my favorite movie is because that is a much too vague question. I have “favorites”, depending on the category of interest. I will admit I am a bit of a sci-fi junky, thanks to years of being forced to watch every episode of Star Trek: the Next Generation, Deep Space Nine and Star Trek Voyager. I will also admit that I hold a special place in my heart for those straight to DVD romantic comedy cheesefests that seem to appear every week on our shelves. I am also a disgruntled movie rental store employee. Any chance I get to piss off an entitled seventeen year old, I take it. I will also talk to you anyway that I choose so shut up and please don’t be offended if I tell you that your movie choice is lame or that you’re a dummy.
With that said, I’m going to spend some time each week talking about both movies in theaters and movies that just came out on video for all you lazy people out there who can’t seem to take the time to read the back of the DVD box or sit through a two and half minute trailer. Movies can be ranked in many different ways so at times I may give them a number and then other times I may just say this movie is bad. Either way, I will break it down and let you know what I think. This way, I take the guess work out of deciding between that Lindsay Lohan movie you just picked up that looks like she’s dancing on a stripper pole and any other movie in the store because any other movie in the store is better than a Lindsay Lohan movie.
Last night, my sister and I decided to see the movie The Happening. Though I read many reviews saying this movie wasn’t very good, I always want to see a movie anyways, just to form my own opinion. I say that now, but if I’m truly honest with you I would tell you the real reason I wanted to see that movie was simply Mark Wahlberg. Big, beautiful, broad shouldered Mark Wahlberg. Now, M. Night Shyamalan, who wrote, produced and directed this movie, has a bit of a wobbly track record. He started out strong with Sixth Sense and Unbreakable, peaked at Signs, then steadily gave himself more credit than he deserved with The Village and the Lady in the Water. Though the plot lines of these movies were often intricate yet sometimes too easy to figure out, I found that they were still entertaining, especially if you had no idea what the movie was about. Sadly though, The Happening falls miles short of every other movie he has ever done. The story was his most far fetched and plot twists were uneventful and preposterous. The acting done by Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deshanel was stiff, unemotional and incredibly disappointing coming from two actors whom I know have it in them to pull this off. Shyamalan’s movie was the whole crap package. The musical score was inappropriate, and he did so many close ups on the characters faces that I could tell where the make up lady missed a spot on Deshanel’s face. There was no suspense, no creepy shadow under the pantry door, no cold breath in the dark night, nothing at all to warrant the horror movie label that I have heard thrown around. I walked out of that theater feeling more disappointed than that time I build a robot and it got more dates than me (but that was only because she had bigger boobs than me). All in all, don’t waste your time, but if you want to see a movie pretty similar and far better made, go rent The Signal. It’s got the same amount of gore and violence with a bit of silliness and a whole lot of “what the fuck?!?” moments to boot.
Since it is Tuesday, I’m going to break down a few movies that come out on DVD today.
* Be Kind Rewind – Starring Jack Black, Mos Def and Danny Glover. I wasn’t sure what to expect from this movie but I was pleasantly surprised. Most people will be disappointed if they go into this movie thinking that the humor is going to be like Tenacious D when it’s really more like School of Rock. It’s a very heartwarming movie, with quite a few funny moments with Jack Black. The chemistry between Mos Def and the female lead played by Melonie Diaz is wonderful, especially towards the end of the movie. I would suggest this movie to grandma’s, soccer mom’s, and anyone who likes School of Rock, It’s a Wonderful Life, and Big.
*Fool’s Gold – I have nothing to say on this movie except that if you want to see Kate Hudson in a bikini or Matthew McConaughy shirtless, rent this movie. Otherwise, move on.
*Chaos Theory – Starring Ryan Reynolds. This movie will be hit or miss for most people. If you liked movies like Jerry Maguire or Office Space and are feeling open-minded then I would suggest renting this movie. Reynolds portrays the same character he always does, just an adult version of it (see Van Wilder or Just Friends) and not as humorous. It has a few funny moments, and the plot is slightly interesting. This is the kind of movie you get when you have nothing better to do and no other movie to watch.
I have a lot of movies to tell you about so be ready.
With that said, I’m going to spend some time each week talking about both movies in theaters and movies that just came out on video for all you lazy people out there who can’t seem to take the time to read the back of the DVD box or sit through a two and half minute trailer. Movies can be ranked in many different ways so at times I may give them a number and then other times I may just say this movie is bad. Either way, I will break it down and let you know what I think. This way, I take the guess work out of deciding between that Lindsay Lohan movie you just picked up that looks like she’s dancing on a stripper pole and any other movie in the store because any other movie in the store is better than a Lindsay Lohan movie.
Last night, my sister and I decided to see the movie The Happening. Though I read many reviews saying this movie wasn’t very good, I always want to see a movie anyways, just to form my own opinion. I say that now, but if I’m truly honest with you I would tell you the real reason I wanted to see that movie was simply Mark Wahlberg. Big, beautiful, broad shouldered Mark Wahlberg. Now, M. Night Shyamalan, who wrote, produced and directed this movie, has a bit of a wobbly track record. He started out strong with Sixth Sense and Unbreakable, peaked at Signs, then steadily gave himself more credit than he deserved with The Village and the Lady in the Water. Though the plot lines of these movies were often intricate yet sometimes too easy to figure out, I found that they were still entertaining, especially if you had no idea what the movie was about. Sadly though, The Happening falls miles short of every other movie he has ever done. The story was his most far fetched and plot twists were uneventful and preposterous. The acting done by Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deshanel was stiff, unemotional and incredibly disappointing coming from two actors whom I know have it in them to pull this off. Shyamalan’s movie was the whole crap package. The musical score was inappropriate, and he did so many close ups on the characters faces that I could tell where the make up lady missed a spot on Deshanel’s face. There was no suspense, no creepy shadow under the pantry door, no cold breath in the dark night, nothing at all to warrant the horror movie label that I have heard thrown around. I walked out of that theater feeling more disappointed than that time I build a robot and it got more dates than me (but that was only because she had bigger boobs than me). All in all, don’t waste your time, but if you want to see a movie pretty similar and far better made, go rent The Signal. It’s got the same amount of gore and violence with a bit of silliness and a whole lot of “what the fuck?!?” moments to boot.
Since it is Tuesday, I’m going to break down a few movies that come out on DVD today.
* Be Kind Rewind – Starring Jack Black, Mos Def and Danny Glover. I wasn’t sure what to expect from this movie but I was pleasantly surprised. Most people will be disappointed if they go into this movie thinking that the humor is going to be like Tenacious D when it’s really more like School of Rock. It’s a very heartwarming movie, with quite a few funny moments with Jack Black. The chemistry between Mos Def and the female lead played by Melonie Diaz is wonderful, especially towards the end of the movie. I would suggest this movie to grandma’s, soccer mom’s, and anyone who likes School of Rock, It’s a Wonderful Life, and Big.
*Fool’s Gold – I have nothing to say on this movie except that if you want to see Kate Hudson in a bikini or Matthew McConaughy shirtless, rent this movie. Otherwise, move on.
*Chaos Theory – Starring Ryan Reynolds. This movie will be hit or miss for most people. If you liked movies like Jerry Maguire or Office Space and are feeling open-minded then I would suggest renting this movie. Reynolds portrays the same character he always does, just an adult version of it (see Van Wilder or Just Friends) and not as humorous. It has a few funny moments, and the plot is slightly interesting. This is the kind of movie you get when you have nothing better to do and no other movie to watch.
I have a lot of movies to tell you about so be ready.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
STAND UP BITCHES, ALL HAIL LORD STANLEY, ROTTING OCTOPUS CORPSES, AND 70’S PORN ‘STACHES! GET ANGRY LIKE VIKINGS! JONATHAN ERICSSON, KP’S GOT SOME CUPS FOR YOU, BOY.
First, before anything else, I’d just like to shout out to my boys in red, the heroes, the golden gods, the Detroit Red Wings on their 11th Stanley Cup Victory. Take that, Sergei Federov. Take that NHL and your obvious favoritism and crooked-ass referees. Thanks to Fleurry’s awesome ass-goal on himself, Kronwall, you are absolved. But I’ll spare the details on their symphonic victory because I’m sure you all saw it. Yesssssss.
Thankfully the weather cleared after a whole day of rainy crap and the sun came out to welcome one of the most awesome bands to use the phrase “heyaaaaawwwww, huh!”, to Grand Rapids for the first time (near as I can tell, they never ever come around here). The clouds parted, the breeze tingled, the oldest security guard I’ve ever encountered refused to check my ID for beer, and Cake took the stage.
I have to admit, my hopes were really high for this band. I’ve been captivated by their weirdness since the eighth grade and would have lost all faith in the quirk-rock genre (Primus, like I never knew thee…) if they were too wasted or disconnected, or (god forbid!) went all soft. They didn’t. In fact, they were the weirdest band I’ve ever seen on stage and that is exactly how it should be. Their weirdness wasn’t saturating like Riverdance, overwhelming like (insert any punk show here), or creepy like that time I saw Billy Bob Thornton open for Willy Nelson at Red Rocks. It was just a little bit of all of these things, framed by the rolling greenery and barefoot carelessness of the Frederick Meijer Gardens. They were confusing. They were subtle. They were perfect.
They took the stage channeling 70’s porn stars, all beard, chest hair and aviators, which was startling and creeped me out pleasantly. Singer John McRhea’s T Shirt said “Satan Is Real” and that said it all. His beard glowed beneath his Sinatra-esque fedora and his voice didn’t crack one time. It was almost too much like the studio version. No wonder they don’t put out a live album. Their total lack of enthusiasm (except the rhythm guitar guy, he looked like he was doin’ it with his enormous, gigantic, massive guitar) came off ideally and with just the right amount of arrogance thanks to the odd little dances the singer was doing, which consisted of (this description does no justice to the actual dances, by the way, they were too subtly awesome for words) lackadaisical points at nothing, hand raising, sliiiight foot stomping, and intermittent acoustic strumming. He barely moved but wasn’t boring even a little, even for one minute. They started their set with a deadpan version of the Waylon Jennings classic “Ruby, Don’t Take Your Love To Town” and moved through such nuggets of bizarrity as “Sheep Go To Heaven,” “Stick Shifts and Safety Belts,” and “Wheels.” No drum solo, no pyrotechnics or flickering video screens, no axe shredding. Despite their ten years of experience and steady record sales, these guys have never sold out. I can’t think of many bands that can hold on like that (Dave Matthews, I’m looking in your direction…no matter how you justify it, if you put Julia Roberts in your music video, you sold out, dude). Case in point: during a sort-of lull in the music, the band gave some lucky audience member a tree. They gave her a tree and told her to take pictures of it as it grew and to send them to cakemusic.com because the tree would grow and flourish and she would shrink and rot. I felt stoned just watching it.
I understand after re-reading this that the most incredible thing about that show was it’s perfectly tweaked subtlety. Their weirdness doesn’t translate well to paper. What I can tell you is that I walked out of there grinning like an idiot, satisfied to the center and in desperate need of a shower. Not because of the heat either. My happy heart felt dirty for no apparent reason and I kind of enjoyed it. Cake the band was so flawless that it was hard to differentiate the live version from the album version. No ad-libbing, jamming, wandering solos, even the delicious little hey-oh!s and Yah!s were per recording. I can’t think of another band that I’ve seen ever that rolls like that. Yes fans, they did “Arco Arena.” They did “Comfort Eagle” and an interesting cover of Black Sabbath’s “War Pigs.” The trumpet/vocals/maracas/keyboard/secondary percussion guy was spot-on and that trumpet especially was so tasty, poured over the layers of fantastic-ness that it covered the amphitheater in sticky, creepy, honey. Delicious. Go see Cake. Go buy up all their CD’s, hop the next flight to Austin TX or San Francisco CA and see them for yourself. Tilt your head slightly at the gauche-ness of the whole production. Enjoy the guitar guy. Enjoy the horn. Enjoy the feel of the breeze on your skin (?).
Here are a few words of description to help you along:
Pleasant
Uncomfortable
Technical
Heroine
Beard
Brass Balls
Tree
But on to the real review: the amphitheater at the Frederick Meijer Gardens. Rule #1: never buy tickets to an event there. Every major act (and they get some decent names) can be had free of the exorbant prices their box office asks (Lyle Lovett is $65, whatever). If you can think of a parody group of guards, this place has them. The lady that took our tickets/ID’d us for wrist bands/checked our purses for cameras and explosives was more than one hundred years old. Even if you’re not into old-lady-tackling don’t worry about it, all you need to waltz into the gate unpaid is a wristband. If you feel like buying a roll of your own for your personal soirées and BBQ’s and what-have-you’s, they are the American Flag ones and readily available anywhere that sells rolls of tickets and bulk plastic ware and frilly toothpicks. Gordon Foods or Kent Novelty I’d recommend. Still don’t feel like spending the $6.50? Our wristbands (which were acquired only after she asked what year I was born, and refused to look at my ID) were so loose that we could have had that place at half-capacity off of only two wristbands. A ten year old kid could drink there (seriously dude, we were both a little sloppy so if you don’t tell your mom we totally made out I won’t tell her about the Wii porn you had bootlegged from Japan. Deal?) if he had enough allowance left to buy a beer.
The acoustics are solid if not a little cloudy, the setting sun made for a beautiful and sweaty backdrop, and the crowd was fuddy-duddy at best. Why do people sit down for this stuff? This was a crazy, one-in-a-million session of bizarro intensity and you’re all camped out on your folding chairs full of picnic dinner. What the fuck? This isn’t the Pops, this is a rock show and a good one at that. Stand up a minute, shake all the laziness off your flabby ass and get into it. Don’t even worry about the little drunk kids stumbling all over the place, they’ll all be passed out later and you can just grab yours on the way out. Hell, they can guard your deck furniture. So for a jazz ensemble, choral concert, or snivelley female singer/songwriter piano player I wouldn’t rule it out but for a rock show that wanted so much to be rowdy, this ain’t the venue. He told us to act like angry Vikings for pete sake. If it’s Cake you seek, opt for a dark smelly barroom. If you’re down with the outdoors, go to Founder’s when they have their doors open. If you like sitting on the grass and interrupting the performers with your crinkling Jimmy John’s wrapper, see Bela Fleck at the zoo. Don’t pay all that money for the Meijer Gardens when you can sneak in just as easily, and don’t bother with your crappy fake ID, who’s terrible production and obvious inauthenticity would be lost on the blue-hair who’s job it is to detain you. Lest you want to insult him, save it for the Korean beer-lord out in Wyoming. Now that guy is a worthy adversary.
The rock-show killers at the Meijer Gardens are the Meijer Garden Members. They pay $60-$100 a year to get passes to the gardens and opportunities for early-buy tickets to the summer concert series. They are family folks and old people and D-Rock (who was kind enough to use his clout to get me and KP tickets, thanks, Bubba) and generally they (besides D-Rock, he’s aiight) clog up the lawn with their patio chairs and coolers. They bring their little children, and generally don’t condone any rocking out whatsoever. They like to oogle the little freaks gathered in front of the stage. Being one of those freaks, it’s uncomfortable. They see the front of the stage as a place for little kids to twirl around until they make themselves sick and Uncle Karl to look like an ass while he tries to dance with them. Again, if you’re going to see a show at the Gardens, chose it wisely. And don’t worry about buying a ticket. Or being 21 to get beer.
THEN AT 3:30 AM…
We hopped in my little, gas-efficient car and took off for Detroit and the Stanley Cup Victory Parade. But don’t tell my work, they think I was very sick that day (cough!). Just know this: if you happened to see the weather report for West Michigan that day, you will have seen that the whole state was covered with a thunderstorm, except the city of Detroit. For the first time ever. Even the cloud of perma-gross that lays over that city like a dust blanket lifted long enough for the georgeous sun to burn a few cheeks, half-cook the raw octopi in attendance, and kiss the Cup along with Saint Osgood, Cheli, and Drapes. This is proof that Jesus loves the Stanley Cup. Millions of people showed up to show their support, collect free collectables, (in me and KP’s case) whore themselves out, and boo unpopular Mayor Kiwami Kilpatrick, who had the stones to stand up and speak anyway. Kip, Kim, Bubba, my hockey buddies, whatever will we do until October? If anybody out there wants to go hide in the bushes at training camp with me in Traverse City, let’s get something together. I hear that’s how Kim wants to spend her Bachelorette party. I think I feel more food poisoning coming on (cough!)…but until then, here’s a few things that are going on right here around town.
Waterfront Film Festival in Saugatuck- June 12-15, Saugatuck MI. No better way to kick off summer than by sitting inside watching movies. But, if that’s what you’re into, this one is supposed to be pretty cool. There’s a parade on Thursday, and a Rick James cover band, which will pretty much rule. The downside? Your buzz will be blown when you realize that the climax is supposed to be watching movies. Filmmakers and award-winners from all over the world. Artists, film snobs, potheads. Oh yeah, and bring your wallet. Bundle passes are in the hundreds and films and seminars are $10 a pop. Have fun with that one, Howard Hughes.
Eastown Bizarre Bazaar and Reed’s Lake Art Festival- June 21st 9-5pm. Check out the randomest of all that Eastown has to offer. Live music of the jass/folk/ethnic variety, spicy food, and lots of art for sale but mostly just secondhand stuff. Get a henna tattoo on your foot and pay that wacky lady $5 to read your fortune with a bundle of sticks and a bell. She will dance around you and not tell you anything you really want to know. This is like a pre-street fair, not a bad way to blow your afternoon. Then you need to keep walking down Wealthy till you get to Reed’s Lake, where you will find tents and tents of artists with overpriced merch. But if you’re really lucky, you just might get to see the horse door. It’s definitely the highlight.
Leon Russell at the Intersection- June 15. I don’t care who you are or what you think you’re doing, this is sure to be a strange and excellent show. The grandfather of psychedelic piano rock and all that Elton John strived to be before he got all Disney is entombed in Leon’s luxuriant beard. GO TO THIS SHOW. IT WILL BE EXCELLENT. I’ll see you there.
Billy and Sammy at Putt Putt’s Bar- June 19. Bill Kenney is back temporarily from Arizona and these guys together are so much fun live that you can consider yourselves reconciled for going to Putt Putt’s Bar in the first place. In fact, maybe this will be the Westside bar safari I was telling you about? More to come as soon as I figure this out…
First, before anything else, I’d just like to shout out to my boys in red, the heroes, the golden gods, the Detroit Red Wings on their 11th Stanley Cup Victory. Take that, Sergei Federov. Take that NHL and your obvious favoritism and crooked-ass referees. Thanks to Fleurry’s awesome ass-goal on himself, Kronwall, you are absolved. But I’ll spare the details on their symphonic victory because I’m sure you all saw it. Yesssssss.
Thankfully the weather cleared after a whole day of rainy crap and the sun came out to welcome one of the most awesome bands to use the phrase “heyaaaaawwwww, huh!”, to Grand Rapids for the first time (near as I can tell, they never ever come around here). The clouds parted, the breeze tingled, the oldest security guard I’ve ever encountered refused to check my ID for beer, and Cake took the stage.
I have to admit, my hopes were really high for this band. I’ve been captivated by their weirdness since the eighth grade and would have lost all faith in the quirk-rock genre (Primus, like I never knew thee…) if they were too wasted or disconnected, or (god forbid!) went all soft. They didn’t. In fact, they were the weirdest band I’ve ever seen on stage and that is exactly how it should be. Their weirdness wasn’t saturating like Riverdance, overwhelming like (insert any punk show here), or creepy like that time I saw Billy Bob Thornton open for Willy Nelson at Red Rocks. It was just a little bit of all of these things, framed by the rolling greenery and barefoot carelessness of the Frederick Meijer Gardens. They were confusing. They were subtle. They were perfect.
They took the stage channeling 70’s porn stars, all beard, chest hair and aviators, which was startling and creeped me out pleasantly. Singer John McRhea’s T Shirt said “Satan Is Real” and that said it all. His beard glowed beneath his Sinatra-esque fedora and his voice didn’t crack one time. It was almost too much like the studio version. No wonder they don’t put out a live album. Their total lack of enthusiasm (except the rhythm guitar guy, he looked like he was doin’ it with his enormous, gigantic, massive guitar) came off ideally and with just the right amount of arrogance thanks to the odd little dances the singer was doing, which consisted of (this description does no justice to the actual dances, by the way, they were too subtly awesome for words) lackadaisical points at nothing, hand raising, sliiiight foot stomping, and intermittent acoustic strumming. He barely moved but wasn’t boring even a little, even for one minute. They started their set with a deadpan version of the Waylon Jennings classic “Ruby, Don’t Take Your Love To Town” and moved through such nuggets of bizarrity as “Sheep Go To Heaven,” “Stick Shifts and Safety Belts,” and “Wheels.” No drum solo, no pyrotechnics or flickering video screens, no axe shredding. Despite their ten years of experience and steady record sales, these guys have never sold out. I can’t think of many bands that can hold on like that (Dave Matthews, I’m looking in your direction…no matter how you justify it, if you put Julia Roberts in your music video, you sold out, dude). Case in point: during a sort-of lull in the music, the band gave some lucky audience member a tree. They gave her a tree and told her to take pictures of it as it grew and to send them to cakemusic.com because the tree would grow and flourish and she would shrink and rot. I felt stoned just watching it.
I understand after re-reading this that the most incredible thing about that show was it’s perfectly tweaked subtlety. Their weirdness doesn’t translate well to paper. What I can tell you is that I walked out of there grinning like an idiot, satisfied to the center and in desperate need of a shower. Not because of the heat either. My happy heart felt dirty for no apparent reason and I kind of enjoyed it. Cake the band was so flawless that it was hard to differentiate the live version from the album version. No ad-libbing, jamming, wandering solos, even the delicious little hey-oh!s and Yah!s were per recording. I can’t think of another band that I’ve seen ever that rolls like that. Yes fans, they did “Arco Arena.” They did “Comfort Eagle” and an interesting cover of Black Sabbath’s “War Pigs.” The trumpet/vocals/maracas/keyboard/secondary percussion guy was spot-on and that trumpet especially was so tasty, poured over the layers of fantastic-ness that it covered the amphitheater in sticky, creepy, honey. Delicious. Go see Cake. Go buy up all their CD’s, hop the next flight to Austin TX or San Francisco CA and see them for yourself. Tilt your head slightly at the gauche-ness of the whole production. Enjoy the guitar guy. Enjoy the horn. Enjoy the feel of the breeze on your skin (?).
Here are a few words of description to help you along:
Pleasant
Uncomfortable
Technical
Heroine
Beard
Brass Balls
Tree
But on to the real review: the amphitheater at the Frederick Meijer Gardens. Rule #1: never buy tickets to an event there. Every major act (and they get some decent names) can be had free of the exorbant prices their box office asks (Lyle Lovett is $65, whatever). If you can think of a parody group of guards, this place has them. The lady that took our tickets/ID’d us for wrist bands/checked our purses for cameras and explosives was more than one hundred years old. Even if you’re not into old-lady-tackling don’t worry about it, all you need to waltz into the gate unpaid is a wristband. If you feel like buying a roll of your own for your personal soirées and BBQ’s and what-have-you’s, they are the American Flag ones and readily available anywhere that sells rolls of tickets and bulk plastic ware and frilly toothpicks. Gordon Foods or Kent Novelty I’d recommend. Still don’t feel like spending the $6.50? Our wristbands (which were acquired only after she asked what year I was born, and refused to look at my ID) were so loose that we could have had that place at half-capacity off of only two wristbands. A ten year old kid could drink there (seriously dude, we were both a little sloppy so if you don’t tell your mom we totally made out I won’t tell her about the Wii porn you had bootlegged from Japan. Deal?) if he had enough allowance left to buy a beer.
The acoustics are solid if not a little cloudy, the setting sun made for a beautiful and sweaty backdrop, and the crowd was fuddy-duddy at best. Why do people sit down for this stuff? This was a crazy, one-in-a-million session of bizarro intensity and you’re all camped out on your folding chairs full of picnic dinner. What the fuck? This isn’t the Pops, this is a rock show and a good one at that. Stand up a minute, shake all the laziness off your flabby ass and get into it. Don’t even worry about the little drunk kids stumbling all over the place, they’ll all be passed out later and you can just grab yours on the way out. Hell, they can guard your deck furniture. So for a jazz ensemble, choral concert, or snivelley female singer/songwriter piano player I wouldn’t rule it out but for a rock show that wanted so much to be rowdy, this ain’t the venue. He told us to act like angry Vikings for pete sake. If it’s Cake you seek, opt for a dark smelly barroom. If you’re down with the outdoors, go to Founder’s when they have their doors open. If you like sitting on the grass and interrupting the performers with your crinkling Jimmy John’s wrapper, see Bela Fleck at the zoo. Don’t pay all that money for the Meijer Gardens when you can sneak in just as easily, and don’t bother with your crappy fake ID, who’s terrible production and obvious inauthenticity would be lost on the blue-hair who’s job it is to detain you. Lest you want to insult him, save it for the Korean beer-lord out in Wyoming. Now that guy is a worthy adversary.
The rock-show killers at the Meijer Gardens are the Meijer Garden Members. They pay $60-$100 a year to get passes to the gardens and opportunities for early-buy tickets to the summer concert series. They are family folks and old people and D-Rock (who was kind enough to use his clout to get me and KP tickets, thanks, Bubba) and generally they (besides D-Rock, he’s aiight) clog up the lawn with their patio chairs and coolers. They bring their little children, and generally don’t condone any rocking out whatsoever. They like to oogle the little freaks gathered in front of the stage. Being one of those freaks, it’s uncomfortable. They see the front of the stage as a place for little kids to twirl around until they make themselves sick and Uncle Karl to look like an ass while he tries to dance with them. Again, if you’re going to see a show at the Gardens, chose it wisely. And don’t worry about buying a ticket. Or being 21 to get beer.
THEN AT 3:30 AM…
We hopped in my little, gas-efficient car and took off for Detroit and the Stanley Cup Victory Parade. But don’t tell my work, they think I was very sick that day (cough!). Just know this: if you happened to see the weather report for West Michigan that day, you will have seen that the whole state was covered with a thunderstorm, except the city of Detroit. For the first time ever. Even the cloud of perma-gross that lays over that city like a dust blanket lifted long enough for the georgeous sun to burn a few cheeks, half-cook the raw octopi in attendance, and kiss the Cup along with Saint Osgood, Cheli, and Drapes. This is proof that Jesus loves the Stanley Cup. Millions of people showed up to show their support, collect free collectables, (in me and KP’s case) whore themselves out, and boo unpopular Mayor Kiwami Kilpatrick, who had the stones to stand up and speak anyway. Kip, Kim, Bubba, my hockey buddies, whatever will we do until October? If anybody out there wants to go hide in the bushes at training camp with me in Traverse City, let’s get something together. I hear that’s how Kim wants to spend her Bachelorette party. I think I feel more food poisoning coming on (cough!)…but until then, here’s a few things that are going on right here around town.
Waterfront Film Festival in Saugatuck- June 12-15, Saugatuck MI. No better way to kick off summer than by sitting inside watching movies. But, if that’s what you’re into, this one is supposed to be pretty cool. There’s a parade on Thursday, and a Rick James cover band, which will pretty much rule. The downside? Your buzz will be blown when you realize that the climax is supposed to be watching movies. Filmmakers and award-winners from all over the world. Artists, film snobs, potheads. Oh yeah, and bring your wallet. Bundle passes are in the hundreds and films and seminars are $10 a pop. Have fun with that one, Howard Hughes.
Eastown Bizarre Bazaar and Reed’s Lake Art Festival- June 21st 9-5pm. Check out the randomest of all that Eastown has to offer. Live music of the jass/folk/ethnic variety, spicy food, and lots of art for sale but mostly just secondhand stuff. Get a henna tattoo on your foot and pay that wacky lady $5 to read your fortune with a bundle of sticks and a bell. She will dance around you and not tell you anything you really want to know. This is like a pre-street fair, not a bad way to blow your afternoon. Then you need to keep walking down Wealthy till you get to Reed’s Lake, where you will find tents and tents of artists with overpriced merch. But if you’re really lucky, you just might get to see the horse door. It’s definitely the highlight.
Leon Russell at the Intersection- June 15. I don’t care who you are or what you think you’re doing, this is sure to be a strange and excellent show. The grandfather of psychedelic piano rock and all that Elton John strived to be before he got all Disney is entombed in Leon’s luxuriant beard. GO TO THIS SHOW. IT WILL BE EXCELLENT. I’ll see you there.
Billy and Sammy at Putt Putt’s Bar- June 19. Bill Kenney is back temporarily from Arizona and these guys together are so much fun live that you can consider yourselves reconciled for going to Putt Putt’s Bar in the first place. In fact, maybe this will be the Westside bar safari I was telling you about? More to come as soon as I figure this out…
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Festival
OK Everybody, Lace up your All-Stars and Polish your Ray-Ban’s, it’s Outdoor Entertainment Time! Free Stuff! Fried Food! Underdressed Fat Guys wearing “No Fat Chicks” T Shirts! Yesssssss!
It’s almost the first weekend in June and if you live here (I don’t know why you’d be reading this site…) you know that it’s time for the Festival of the Arts downtown! Get ready, this is one of the few things Grand Rapids does that is hip so you all better show up and bring your paychecks because you’ll be supporting local non-profits and weirdoes dressed like Hans Brinker and shit. And there’s lots of free music/hula dancing/back-flipping from Grand Rapids talent. And cute dogs wearing bandanas. And you can make fun of the goth kids repercussion free. Sweet.
The Festival of the Arts is a festival where the city celebrates the arts (I know! Right?). It used to be Michigan’s largest volunteer-run festival but because of funding it’s been smaller in the past couple of years thanks to the Man. The Man is always ruining the arts. Boo. Available to you on a variety of stage and pavilion locations are any matter of exhibitions and shows, from first-grader ballet to karate demonstrations to jazz bands to metal acts (usually you have to come in the evenings for those). If you can think of a nationality or group learning event, there is a representation somewhere on stage. Dancing, fighting, rocking, chilling, poetry reciting, acting, not acting, you know, whatever you’re into. Unfortunately no Domestic Problems or Fancy Thermos this year (sucky) but you might get a few of Sam Kenny’s bathtub songs, and maybe Sweet Japonic if we’re lucky. Outdoor concerts are always just a little bit awesomer than indoor ones, and the cultivated mix of decent and shitty bands makes for one interesting time. It goes Friday afternoon through Sunday evening so there’s plenty of room to fit around your busy schedules. Which is lame ‘cause we all know that you don’t have busy schedules anyway. Bring a blanket and enjoy the complimentary Slavic Folk Dancing, Broadway show tunes, and Interpretative Ballet.
Don’t feel like deciding between the +60 country cover band and the GR Women’s Association psychotherapeutic poetry reading? Pull up a curb, dig into a walking taco, and people watch for a while. Free events in general tend to bring ‘em out of the woodwork, but this one has “arts” in the title so it’s mostly just real weirdos (this isn’t hate by the way, me and KP are really weird too). Check out your third grade teacher in a tube top, grinding her hubby to some cover band doing AC/DC songs. See that police officer that just pulled you over getting chili all over his Hawaiian shirt and knee socks. See that standoffish bank teller guy dressed in drag, working his shit in 4” heels. Your doctor verbally abusing his wife. Your mail guy hitting on the Jenison High School marching band. Your bosses’ boss singing “Sweet Home Chicago” in a barbershop quartet. And emo kids. Lots and lots of emo kids. It’s worth the afternoon, no matter how you stack it up.
Then on top of all of these great chances to rock out or not rock out, there’s about 600 booths set up all over the place selling food. There’s TONS of food. All kinds of it. This is where the non-profits get to set up shop and make a few bucks. There are a lot of churches and marching bands and the like, and most of them wear stupid costumes and sell everything from Greek Kebabs to waffle cones to crepes to those strange and gross Scottish Egg things. Most of them are staples served from year to year (your elephant ears, Saigon Sate, pickle-on-a-stick, what have you), sometimes there are lovely newcomers that lack organization, but there is guaranteed something (anything, apparently non-profits are all about getting you fat) for everyone. Sorry, no beer tent but if you just gotta stop all the bars around there will keep appropriate hours you big lush. Maybe you should think about stopping at the AA tent? Maybe bring a flask like a real champ?
But what about the art art you say? There are a couple of tents you can walk through on the Calder plaza where you can purchase almost any portable piece of sculpture, jewelry, blown glass, metal, clay, or painting Grand Rapids can produce. Looking for a sweet windchime or wicked silk scarf? These are the tents to go to. It’s actually worth a trip through if you’re into crafts or “whimsy.” Not too much by the way of actual art (nothing really out there, I mean, the ones that present don’t usually deviate much from the “impulse buy” sector). Also during Festival (and this is the first year with the new GRAM being there, so we’ll check and get back to you) but several places are opened for either free or reduced prices, so you can get cultured right in the face. PS- the GRAM is worth paying the money to see anyway. Walk around a bit outside the Festival limits. Check out downtown, it’s actually pretty nice and local merchants like to bring their A-Game for Festival too. I bet even stupid Kendall College will have some kind of special exhibit going on.
There is always a random good time to be had. For the kiddies and stoners, they open up that big huge tire swing on Calder Plaza and have a massive side-walk-chalk mural, a place where you can make hats and wooden things, and get a rainbow, balloon, Popsicle, or any manner of ambiguously gay symbols painted on your cheek. Still not sounding like your thing? Bring your sign and argue with goth and emo high schoolers from all over the city about Jesus and G-Dub. Watch for MacNaughton Boulevard, La Famiglia, Bless You Boys, and Really Bad British Accents if you’re down for some boss tuneage. Don’t get cotton candy in the neighbor kid’s hair, don’t give one of those Hari Krishna guys money for their books, and don’t fill up on cookies from the blood bus. I tried that once and I think my cookie had a fingernail in it. Probably that’s just good life advice all around, don’t accept food (even cookies) from a bus that’s filled with blood. If you would like a cookie that badly, come see me (Stef) and I’ll get you one, body-part free. You can thank me later.
If you pay the Calvin College student $5 she will give you a henna tattoo on your foot. If you pay the Grand Valley student $5 she will get pissed and tell her boyfriend. If you tell her you have pills, she will blow you in the parking lot behind the courthouse. I’ll see you guys there. Unless you don’t like adventure, then I won’t see you cause you’ll be too busy filling your desperate minds with ideas of false grandeur and getting hooey all over your plastic guitars. Green, yellow yellow red green. So lame. Get your sunscreen and come on out. Come have meat-on-a-stick and hit on a high schooler. It will be awesome, I promise.
SUPER-SPECIAL ADDENDUM: CAKE IS PLAYING AT THE FREDERICK MEIJER GARDENS THURSDAY, MAY 5. I REPEAT, CAKE WILL ACTUALLY BE FURTHER EAST THAN ARIZONA FOR A SPECIAL SHOW AT THE MEIJER GARDENS ON THURSDAY, MAY 5. YOU SHOULD ALL CASH IN ALL YOUR FAVORS, MAYBE EVEN DO SOMETHING YOUR MOTHER WOULDN’T NECESSARILY BE TOO PROUD OF TO GET A TICKET. I CAN GUARANTEE THAT EVEN THOUGH ITS AT THE GARDENS (more about this later) IT WILL BE AWESOME. A W E S O M E. Maybe if this show goes well, the guys from Cake will run into the guys from Gogol Bordello at some excellent event in Austin TX and tell them how rad Grand Rapids is (I know! Right?) and maybe they’ll talk to their manager after a few too many Rolling Rock/Vodka Herrings and maybe play a little showie-show right here in our little hamlet after all. GET OUT THERE!
It’s almost the first weekend in June and if you live here (I don’t know why you’d be reading this site…) you know that it’s time for the Festival of the Arts downtown! Get ready, this is one of the few things Grand Rapids does that is hip so you all better show up and bring your paychecks because you’ll be supporting local non-profits and weirdoes dressed like Hans Brinker and shit. And there’s lots of free music/hula dancing/back-flipping from Grand Rapids talent. And cute dogs wearing bandanas. And you can make fun of the goth kids repercussion free. Sweet.
The Festival of the Arts is a festival where the city celebrates the arts (I know! Right?). It used to be Michigan’s largest volunteer-run festival but because of funding it’s been smaller in the past couple of years thanks to the Man. The Man is always ruining the arts. Boo. Available to you on a variety of stage and pavilion locations are any matter of exhibitions and shows, from first-grader ballet to karate demonstrations to jazz bands to metal acts (usually you have to come in the evenings for those). If you can think of a nationality or group learning event, there is a representation somewhere on stage. Dancing, fighting, rocking, chilling, poetry reciting, acting, not acting, you know, whatever you’re into. Unfortunately no Domestic Problems or Fancy Thermos this year (sucky) but you might get a few of Sam Kenny’s bathtub songs, and maybe Sweet Japonic if we’re lucky. Outdoor concerts are always just a little bit awesomer than indoor ones, and the cultivated mix of decent and shitty bands makes for one interesting time. It goes Friday afternoon through Sunday evening so there’s plenty of room to fit around your busy schedules. Which is lame ‘cause we all know that you don’t have busy schedules anyway. Bring a blanket and enjoy the complimentary Slavic Folk Dancing, Broadway show tunes, and Interpretative Ballet.
Don’t feel like deciding between the +60 country cover band and the GR Women’s Association psychotherapeutic poetry reading? Pull up a curb, dig into a walking taco, and people watch for a while. Free events in general tend to bring ‘em out of the woodwork, but this one has “arts” in the title so it’s mostly just real weirdos (this isn’t hate by the way, me and KP are really weird too). Check out your third grade teacher in a tube top, grinding her hubby to some cover band doing AC/DC songs. See that police officer that just pulled you over getting chili all over his Hawaiian shirt and knee socks. See that standoffish bank teller guy dressed in drag, working his shit in 4” heels. Your doctor verbally abusing his wife. Your mail guy hitting on the Jenison High School marching band. Your bosses’ boss singing “Sweet Home Chicago” in a barbershop quartet. And emo kids. Lots and lots of emo kids. It’s worth the afternoon, no matter how you stack it up.
Then on top of all of these great chances to rock out or not rock out, there’s about 600 booths set up all over the place selling food. There’s TONS of food. All kinds of it. This is where the non-profits get to set up shop and make a few bucks. There are a lot of churches and marching bands and the like, and most of them wear stupid costumes and sell everything from Greek Kebabs to waffle cones to crepes to those strange and gross Scottish Egg things. Most of them are staples served from year to year (your elephant ears, Saigon Sate, pickle-on-a-stick, what have you), sometimes there are lovely newcomers that lack organization, but there is guaranteed something (anything, apparently non-profits are all about getting you fat) for everyone. Sorry, no beer tent but if you just gotta stop all the bars around there will keep appropriate hours you big lush. Maybe you should think about stopping at the AA tent? Maybe bring a flask like a real champ?
But what about the art art you say? There are a couple of tents you can walk through on the Calder plaza where you can purchase almost any portable piece of sculpture, jewelry, blown glass, metal, clay, or painting Grand Rapids can produce. Looking for a sweet windchime or wicked silk scarf? These are the tents to go to. It’s actually worth a trip through if you’re into crafts or “whimsy.” Not too much by the way of actual art (nothing really out there, I mean, the ones that present don’t usually deviate much from the “impulse buy” sector). Also during Festival (and this is the first year with the new GRAM being there, so we’ll check and get back to you) but several places are opened for either free or reduced prices, so you can get cultured right in the face. PS- the GRAM is worth paying the money to see anyway. Walk around a bit outside the Festival limits. Check out downtown, it’s actually pretty nice and local merchants like to bring their A-Game for Festival too. I bet even stupid Kendall College will have some kind of special exhibit going on.
There is always a random good time to be had. For the kiddies and stoners, they open up that big huge tire swing on Calder Plaza and have a massive side-walk-chalk mural, a place where you can make hats and wooden things, and get a rainbow, balloon, Popsicle, or any manner of ambiguously gay symbols painted on your cheek. Still not sounding like your thing? Bring your sign and argue with goth and emo high schoolers from all over the city about Jesus and G-Dub. Watch for MacNaughton Boulevard, La Famiglia, Bless You Boys, and Really Bad British Accents if you’re down for some boss tuneage. Don’t get cotton candy in the neighbor kid’s hair, don’t give one of those Hari Krishna guys money for their books, and don’t fill up on cookies from the blood bus. I tried that once and I think my cookie had a fingernail in it. Probably that’s just good life advice all around, don’t accept food (even cookies) from a bus that’s filled with blood. If you would like a cookie that badly, come see me (Stef) and I’ll get you one, body-part free. You can thank me later.
If you pay the Calvin College student $5 she will give you a henna tattoo on your foot. If you pay the Grand Valley student $5 she will get pissed and tell her boyfriend. If you tell her you have pills, she will blow you in the parking lot behind the courthouse. I’ll see you guys there. Unless you don’t like adventure, then I won’t see you cause you’ll be too busy filling your desperate minds with ideas of false grandeur and getting hooey all over your plastic guitars. Green, yellow yellow red green. So lame. Get your sunscreen and come on out. Come have meat-on-a-stick and hit on a high schooler. It will be awesome, I promise.
SUPER-SPECIAL ADDENDUM: CAKE IS PLAYING AT THE FREDERICK MEIJER GARDENS THURSDAY, MAY 5. I REPEAT, CAKE WILL ACTUALLY BE FURTHER EAST THAN ARIZONA FOR A SPECIAL SHOW AT THE MEIJER GARDENS ON THURSDAY, MAY 5. YOU SHOULD ALL CASH IN ALL YOUR FAVORS, MAYBE EVEN DO SOMETHING YOUR MOTHER WOULDN’T NECESSARILY BE TOO PROUD OF TO GET A TICKET. I CAN GUARANTEE THAT EVEN THOUGH ITS AT THE GARDENS (more about this later) IT WILL BE AWESOME. A W E S O M E. Maybe if this show goes well, the guys from Cake will run into the guys from Gogol Bordello at some excellent event in Austin TX and tell them how rad Grand Rapids is (I know! Right?) and maybe they’ll talk to their manager after a few too many Rolling Rock/Vodka Herrings and maybe play a little showie-show right here in our little hamlet after all. GET OUT THERE!
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