Thursday, May 7, 2009

"I'm freakin pumped! I've been drinking green tea all goddamn day!"

I’m actually writing this one hour from Game 4 Round 2 and I’m predicting right now that Nedermeyer or that FUCKING REDICULOUS bald-headed troll-doll looking ref from Tuesday is going to have to be carried out on a stretcher or in several Petrie dishes by the time our boys get through with him. They should really give Marian Hossa a gun. Or a Samurai sword. Or a monkey with a Samurai sword and a gun. Badass. I actually wrote a song about it, in fact. Stuff like this is always better visualized in song, especially with sweet 80’s synth riffs.

Sung with a Swedish/Russian/Czeckoslovakian accent to the tune of 99 Luftballons by Nena.



You and I in a little pawn shop, bought Hossa a gun with some money we got
Set him free, game four, round two, with flack jackets just for me and you
In the locker room, home team’s side, Scott Neidermeyer sits with a gleam in his eye
Getting massage from a towel boy as 99 Detroit Red Wings skate by.

99 Detroit Red Wings, sharpening their hockey skates
panic boys, they’re warming up
up and down the hockey rink.
Ozzy stretches out his thigh
Rafalski prepares to punch someone in the eye
Hudler’s down for a little fun
And Marian Hossa has a gun.

99 Red hockey gods
break away two minutes in
Neidermeyer creeps around
to poach their shots behind the goal
two interferences don’t get called
an off-sides and a penalty
Hossa knocks one in off his glove
and the stupid ref says he doesn’t see.

99 Red Angry Men
Can’t believe they haven’t tied it
Datsyuk loses his freaking head
Zeterberg talks crazy shit
Pads are flying fans are crying
The ref was straight up fucking lying
Hossa reaches in his pants
As 99 Detroit Red Wings go by.

99 cops flooding in
ready for a hostage crisis,
it’s all over and we’re sitting pretty
in this shame-filled Disney city
when Hossa’s hand came from his pants,
it wasn’t heat that he was packin’
faced with his gigantic *censored *
they hung their heads and walked away…

in shame, of course. From what I hear it’s Hossa who should be called “the Mule.” You were robbed, buddy. Do you know what happens to people that rob people? Cause’ I do. I know what happens ‘cause I’ve seen both Kung Fu and Walker Texas Ranger.
Round
House
Kick,

that’s all I’m saying.