The T Shirt Size Awesome Ode to Beards (except this one won’t rhyme all the way through, I promise, I’ll try and avoid it I will, honest).
The beard. The luxuriant, multi-textured, ever evolving piece of chin majesty. The maker and destroyer of worlds, the ultimate symbol of machismo, the pleasant face-chapper of any lucky enough to make out with a guy with a good one. Man, these things kick ass. More than just an accoutrement, more than decoration, more than a sign of laziness, the beard has throughout the centuries been a great power-harnesser and protector, source of earthy wisdom and major bad assiness.
A man with a beard is so much more than a regular man, a grown-up boy, a pre-pubescent dummy praying and massaging his face so he’ll look old enough to buy a beer. A bearded man understands his carnal essence, and lets it grow and flourish all over his face (exception: the sculpted chin-strap face-necklace popularized by the Backstreet Boys’ AJ McLean, who was somehow the hottest one anyway…?). Be it a long and scruffy one or a patchy, blonde attempt at greatness, the male beard says not only that you’re a physical force to be reckoned with, but also an intellectual prizefighter, only with humility to boot. Either that, or you’re a homeless guy. Or a lumberjack. Or just really grizzled.
Now I’m not talking about that carefully cultivated vagina chin soul patch thing that Brandon Inge refuses to re-grow, I’m talking about the beard in the biblical sense. A full-on face full of man hair that starts with the chops and ends with some delicious baby running her manicured nails through it admiringly, purring about how she so likes her men strong. Case in point:
Famous beards in history (no particular order):
Rasputin Bob Seger
Walt Whitman Bea Arthur
Mellville Crockett
Santa Clause Mr. T
Abe Lincoln Jesus
DaVinci Dave Grohl (who is an allstar, his is great)
Moses Zeus, Thor, Ra, that troll guy from Lord of the Rings
Dumbledore Brett Favre
ZZ Top Blackbeard (duh)
Julius Cesar Paul Bunyon
Obi Wan Kenobi Papa Smurf
King Arthur Kenny Rogers (both)
All under an undeniable protection, all cultivating an unequivocal source of power. So what, women can have babies and daintiness and wit, men can grow beards. Damn. I’ve been trying to grow one for years. I got nothing. Thinking about giving it a shot yourself? Thinking about finally growing that bitch to everything Chuck Norris ever wanted it to be? Who says you have to look like Chow Yun Fat to be a martial arts master anyway? Ha! Here are a few variations to try on before committing to a format:
The Full Frontal
The Fu-Man-Chu
Goatee (chin pubes)
Soul Patch
The Santa Clause (manicured, loooong)
The Biker (looooong, wild)
The William Shakespeare (also known as the Scaramouche)
The Hulkster (more like a wicked handle-bar moustache, also see American Chopper)
The Yahweh (full frontal paired with long hair)
The Chin Strap (you be careful with this one, most cases it will loose you street cred, unless you’re Abraham Lincoln or Amish)
Bad-Ass Chops
The Custer
The moustache/soul patch combo (I’m not sure what this is called)
The Uni-Brow (reverse beard)
There are many more, so don’t be afraid to get a little creative, and be sure to let us know if you come up with anything sweet in the meantime. Check this guy out (http://www.dyers.org/blog/beards/beard-types/). He's spent years achieving every type of beard known to man. Thanks Nathan Explosion.
At this time I would like to give special credit, a T Shirt Size Awesome version of a standing ovation (if you will), to the Playoff Beard. (To see the beards in action, check http://www.playoffbeard.com/ ) This is the best possible type of beard. Started as a tradition by cave people and wooly mammoths during the formative years of the NHL, superstition prevents players from shaving until they get knocked out of the post season by the Detroit Red Wings and are forced to end the season with a good, old-fashioned shut out (ooh, Avalanche, sorry guys) and leave the arena with bowed heads and baby-soft chins. The Playoff Beard is not for sissies and only seasoned fans are encouraged to attempt one. I’d recommend even learning some hockey beard fun facts and stats so nobody can call you out. Ladies, if you’re looking for a picture of facial-hair excellence, look no farther than the Detroit bench. Now that’s team spirit! They glow like a force field to protect them from losing. Keep working on it Sidney Crosby, growing a beard will be much easier once you’ve hit puberty. Until then, try to sleep even though the faces of Kromwell and Holmstrom haunt your nightmares, buddy.
Even James Bond had a beard in that sweet one with the diamond-face guy and the invisible car, right after he got released from the North Korean prison where he was tortured for fourteen months straight and still didn’t give up any secrets because his brain was protected from the scorpion venom and vicious beatings by one hellacious beard. And don’t even get me started on the beard’s impact on rock n’ roll. Everyone from Lemmy to Elton John’s rocked that shit. Just ask Leon Russell how his beard is working out, it will form a fist and clean your clock because he’s too busy getting felached by a bunch of Miami Heat Cheerleaders. Yeah. Qui es mas macho? That’s what I thought.
To check out some cool beards around town, see (in season, of course) the Griffin’s bench, that Beard Core guy from Gardella’s, any patron taking advantage of the $2.50 pitcher special at the Meanwhile, Shaggy (if he ever comes back), or the statue of John Ball at the zoo. Maybe even take up a collection of photos. Take time to talk to the beards and hear their stories. It’s inspirational. Be on the lookout for a coffee table book or calendar or something in time for the holidays. And seriously, give the ladies a shot sporting a beard, we’re helpless against their power, just ask Colin Farrell. Just think of a door and it will open for you.
Where do you think the word beer came from, anyway? The German word for beer is “bier” which is clearly a derivative of “bierdenmeister” which is German for bearded master. Look that shit up. Also see the skeleton of the fiercest of all animals, the Beardosaurus Rex, and also the terror of the seas, the Great White-Bearded Shark. Even Bear Gryllis at the bottom of a can of Red Bull couldn’t take one of these bastards on. Even with MacGuyver’s help. Or a gun. Here are a few words that rhyme with “beard” just in case you’re thinking up an ode of your own, and kind of to prove a point:
Reveared
Engineered
Speared
Weird
Feared
Smeared
Cleared
Sexy
So Beard me up, Scotty, to beard, or not to beard? Oh warr-r-r-r-riors, come out and shaa-a-a-a-ve. Never! Think pirates! Think lumberjacks! Anything you’ve ever seen in your life that was tough-guy, kick-ass, or “totally awesome” was brought to you in some way by a beard! Come on and grow one, Nancy! Then let me or KP make out with you by the merchandise table at a rock show. I don’t want to hear any pink-panty song about “mine grows in all funny”. Does not. Now stop crying. The only reason Sinatra never had one was because his beard hairs were too terrified of him to show up. Either that or they were too drunk. Or maybe his beard was in reality so amazingly beautiful that it couldn’t be handled by most human eyes. And a great big thank you to all the guys out there currently rocking one, even though it’s getting warmer out there and pretty soon it will really be summer. Thanks for fighting the good fight, brothers.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
47 things that are delicious in Grand Rapids
Hey DUMMIES, GET OFF YOUR TV’S!
Here we go now, in observance of Springtime, and the complaint that there is nothing to do in this town but sit at the bar. That in fact, is true, but here’s a list nonetheless.
47 things that are delicious in Grand Rapids (in no particular order):
1) Marge’s doughnut den. Yes I know it’s a dutch thing but it’s gooood.
2) Founder’s Rubeus when it’s warm outside
Here we go now, in observance of Springtime, and the complaint that there is nothing to do in this town but sit at the bar. That in fact, is true, but here’s a list nonetheless.
47 things that are delicious in Grand Rapids (in no particular order):
1) Marge’s doughnut den. Yes I know it’s a dutch thing but it’s gooood.
2) Founder’s Rubeus when it’s warm outside
3) Sami’s Pita House, Sami’s with lots of that sexy sauce and red spice, whatever that is
4) The short drive to Holland’s tunnel park
5) The fact that despite all the churches all over the place there is still a successful burlesque show
6) The senior PGA tour that used to be held annually at Egypt Valley. Freddy kicks total ass.
7) Chuck lives here
8) Breakfast all day at Brandywine
9) Everything about Festival downtown. 1st weekend in June. Except that deep fried beef egg thing, I don’t think that’s delicious at all.
10) Sitting in section 121 for the Grand Rapids Griffins. Hockey town West!
11) The beards. There are a lot of ‘em here, I think they trickle down from Canada maybe?
12) French Quarter at Kava house
13) Blueberry pancakes, Two Eggs, the Westsider at Wolfgang’s (for the fullest pleasure, see #2 first)
14) Sweet Japonic
15) The little stickers they give you at GRAM (mine tasted lemony!)
16) In preparation for their current tour, Motley Crue making a public apology for the all-over crappiness of their Circus of Pain DVD, which was shot at Grand Rapids’ own Van Andel Arena.
17) Motley Crue’s Circus of Pain DVD
18) Al Green spent his formative years here
19) Mango salsa/chutney whatever they call it at Grayden’s Crossing
20) Mini p’s (about the size of a CD)
21) Captain Sundae (en route to Holland’s Tunnel Park)
22) D-Rock’s mom’s oatmeal cookies
23) Kafta and mint iced tea at Osta’s in East Grand Rapids
24) Old Style and cigarettes in East Town
25) Calamari at Leo’s, and at Louis Benton (I think it’s the same recipe?)
26) Mark at Bull’s Head Tavern (make sure he’s fresh though)
27) Blues on the Mall (as long as its not Country on the Mall, boo)
28) Eddy Money calling Grand Rapids a “sexy town” while he was hammered at Celebration on the Grand
29) Burritos at the Grand Villa Dungeon (or the Beltline Bar if you are looking for more deliciousness)
30) Eating burritos at a place with a name like that (see #29)
31) Yesterdog, Yesterdog, Yesterdog. See #24
32) Michael Buble calling Grand Rapids a beautiful town because of the FCC’s current ban on “sexy”
33) Boy’s track season in East Grand Rapids
34) Veggie hash at Gaia
35) Some guy from New Orleans who has apparently never been to New Orleans telling me that Eastown is just like New Orleans
36) News 8’s Juliette Dragos wasted at Ucello’s saying what a (*hick*) sexy town Grand Rapids is, not catching the irony that she was, in fact, doing an unintentional Ron Burgundy impersonation
37) The bartender at Gardella’s with the Dylan Thomas tattoo, even though the verdict is not officially out on if he actually knows Dylan Thomas, or he just got that line off an episode of CSI
38) They (to my knowledge) have never filmed an episode of Animal Precinct here
39) Cottage Burger at the Cottage Bar
40) The amazing artwork of the amazing Tom Otterness scattered around downtown a few summers ago, that was the best idea this town has had so far, bring ‘em back!
41) WMCAT
42) The Medical ½ -mile (soon to be full mile, I assume), the fact that they can build a world class, state-of-the-art hospital/research facility in twenty minutes while you watch, before you’ve even finished your $12 soup from Urban Mill
43) When Prince came for 2005’s Musicology tour, the employees of Van Andel Arena were not allowed to swear or smoke in or near the building, and when he was personally escorted by way of motorized Prince-mobile and a team of burley, axe-wielding Viking bodyguards, they had to turn around so as not to look at him. He did not call Grand Rapids a sexy town, but implied that if it was dark and he was really drunk, we might have a shot
44) 50 year old German beer at Martha’s Vineyard, and the sign on it that says “you can’t handle her”
45) right when it starts to get warm like this
46) the Gilmore concert series (Google it)
47) Tshirtsizeawesome.blogspot.com
7) Chuck lives here
8) Breakfast all day at Brandywine
9) Everything about Festival downtown. 1st weekend in June. Except that deep fried beef egg thing, I don’t think that’s delicious at all.
10) Sitting in section 121 for the Grand Rapids Griffins. Hockey town West!
11) The beards. There are a lot of ‘em here, I think they trickle down from Canada maybe?
12) French Quarter at Kava house
13) Blueberry pancakes, Two Eggs, the Westsider at Wolfgang’s (for the fullest pleasure, see #2 first)
14) Sweet Japonic
15) The little stickers they give you at GRAM (mine tasted lemony!)
16) In preparation for their current tour, Motley Crue making a public apology for the all-over crappiness of their Circus of Pain DVD, which was shot at Grand Rapids’ own Van Andel Arena.
17) Motley Crue’s Circus of Pain DVD
18) Al Green spent his formative years here
19) Mango salsa/chutney whatever they call it at Grayden’s Crossing
20) Mini p’s (about the size of a CD)
21) Captain Sundae (en route to Holland’s Tunnel Park)
22) D-Rock’s mom’s oatmeal cookies
23) Kafta and mint iced tea at Osta’s in East Grand Rapids
24) Old Style and cigarettes in East Town
25) Calamari at Leo’s, and at Louis Benton (I think it’s the same recipe?)
26) Mark at Bull’s Head Tavern (make sure he’s fresh though)
27) Blues on the Mall (as long as its not Country on the Mall, boo)
28) Eddy Money calling Grand Rapids a “sexy town” while he was hammered at Celebration on the Grand
29) Burritos at the Grand Villa Dungeon (or the Beltline Bar if you are looking for more deliciousness)
30) Eating burritos at a place with a name like that (see #29)
31) Yesterdog, Yesterdog, Yesterdog. See #24
32) Michael Buble calling Grand Rapids a beautiful town because of the FCC’s current ban on “sexy”
33) Boy’s track season in East Grand Rapids
34) Veggie hash at Gaia
35) Some guy from New Orleans who has apparently never been to New Orleans telling me that Eastown is just like New Orleans
36) News 8’s Juliette Dragos wasted at Ucello’s saying what a (*hick*) sexy town Grand Rapids is, not catching the irony that she was, in fact, doing an unintentional Ron Burgundy impersonation
37) The bartender at Gardella’s with the Dylan Thomas tattoo, even though the verdict is not officially out on if he actually knows Dylan Thomas, or he just got that line off an episode of CSI
38) They (to my knowledge) have never filmed an episode of Animal Precinct here
39) Cottage Burger at the Cottage Bar
40) The amazing artwork of the amazing Tom Otterness scattered around downtown a few summers ago, that was the best idea this town has had so far, bring ‘em back!
41) WMCAT
42) The Medical ½ -mile (soon to be full mile, I assume), the fact that they can build a world class, state-of-the-art hospital/research facility in twenty minutes while you watch, before you’ve even finished your $12 soup from Urban Mill
43) When Prince came for 2005’s Musicology tour, the employees of Van Andel Arena were not allowed to swear or smoke in or near the building, and when he was personally escorted by way of motorized Prince-mobile and a team of burley, axe-wielding Viking bodyguards, they had to turn around so as not to look at him. He did not call Grand Rapids a sexy town, but implied that if it was dark and he was really drunk, we might have a shot
44) 50 year old German beer at Martha’s Vineyard, and the sign on it that says “you can’t handle her”
45) right when it starts to get warm like this
46) the Gilmore concert series (Google it)
47) Tshirtsizeawesome.blogspot.com
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Karate
Man, all the sweet things that have been happening to us!
This past weekend has been crazy! Intense! Awesome! But since everything on our itinerary included VIP passes bottle service, and Blender Magazine photographers (could you believe that the guys from Maroon 5 are really big jerks? Man, I did not see that coming!), I’m sure we didn’t see any of you there so I’ll instead fill this space with a list of things that would be cooler if they had karate:
1) Grand Rapids district court
2) The Golden Girls
3) Waiting in line at the Post Office/Bank/Unemployment Office/Hot Dog Stand
4) Working (unless you are Stephen Segal, and if you are I’m sorry I offended you sir, nothing could make you cooler than you already are)
5) Punctuation, bitch!
6) Soccer, that shit is so lame
7) Karaoke
8) Tigers
9) Spontaneous song and dance numbers
10) Oil changes
11) Life coaches
12) Mike Ditka
13) Dunkin Doughnuts
14) My furniture, for their deathmatch with my appliances (I’ve got my money on the stove)
15) The Jonas Brothers (what do they actually do, anyway?)
16) Tacos
17) First dates
18) An army of antsy first graders with stomachs full of Fruit By The Foot and a Boom Box full of Billy Idol
19) A gorilla with a shark strapped to it’s back, wearing a pit bull codpiece
20) Barack Obama (can you smell what Barack is cookin?)
Feel free to expand on this list. Now, here is a list of things that wouldn’t necessarily be any cooler with karate:
1) Karate
Just give it a try sometimes, you know, a little karate. Do a little chop next time some idiot asks you who’s playing in the hockey game you’re watching. Give em a little choppie next time somebody tells you that they really love books but don’t actually read them. Chopparoo next time somebody tells you they’re not gay eleven times in ten minutes, or attempts to insult you with a “hey, the eighties called, they want their glasses/loafers/piano key necktie back.” Anytime you see a tribal tat or some douche who thinks he’s being funny by cutting his hair into a mullet. By inserting something so simple*, elegant, and more indiscrete than punching him/her in the face, you’ll be letting them know not only that they suck, but also not to get their suckiness on you because you know karate, sucker.
*for a similar effect without actual contact, also see the head-fake. If you’re not familiar, see YouTube, Mark the Goalie, or any Master P video.
This past weekend has been crazy! Intense! Awesome! But since everything on our itinerary included VIP passes bottle service, and Blender Magazine photographers (could you believe that the guys from Maroon 5 are really big jerks? Man, I did not see that coming!), I’m sure we didn’t see any of you there so I’ll instead fill this space with a list of things that would be cooler if they had karate:
1) Grand Rapids district court
2) The Golden Girls
3) Waiting in line at the Post Office/Bank/Unemployment Office/Hot Dog Stand
4) Working (unless you are Stephen Segal, and if you are I’m sorry I offended you sir, nothing could make you cooler than you already are)
5) Punctuation, bitch!
6) Soccer, that shit is so lame
7) Karaoke
8) Tigers
9) Spontaneous song and dance numbers
10) Oil changes
11) Life coaches
12) Mike Ditka
13) Dunkin Doughnuts
14) My furniture, for their deathmatch with my appliances (I’ve got my money on the stove)
15) The Jonas Brothers (what do they actually do, anyway?)
16) Tacos
17) First dates
18) An army of antsy first graders with stomachs full of Fruit By The Foot and a Boom Box full of Billy Idol
19) A gorilla with a shark strapped to it’s back, wearing a pit bull codpiece
20) Barack Obama (can you smell what Barack is cookin?)
Feel free to expand on this list. Now, here is a list of things that wouldn’t necessarily be any cooler with karate:
1) Karate
Just give it a try sometimes, you know, a little karate. Do a little chop next time some idiot asks you who’s playing in the hockey game you’re watching. Give em a little choppie next time somebody tells you that they really love books but don’t actually read them. Chopparoo next time somebody tells you they’re not gay eleven times in ten minutes, or attempts to insult you with a “hey, the eighties called, they want their glasses/loafers/piano key necktie back.” Anytime you see a tribal tat or some douche who thinks he’s being funny by cutting his hair into a mullet. By inserting something so simple*, elegant, and more indiscrete than punching him/her in the face, you’ll be letting them know not only that they suck, but also not to get their suckiness on you because you know karate, sucker.
*for a similar effect without actual contact, also see the head-fake. If you’re not familiar, see YouTube, Mark the Goalie, or any Master P video.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Bar Guide
The Official TShirtSize:Awesome Bar Guide
Let’s face it kids, if it weren’t for the bars, we’d have nothing to do around here at night than make up homework assignments, write silly, self indulgent blogs, and refer to playing video games as “band practice.” Come on now. This guide will hopefully help some of you find a place to develop your malnutritioned social skills, some of you drink on the cheap, some of you even get laid maybe. Pay attention*.
Come Friday and Saturday night, bar awesomeness can be quite a crap-shoot. It’s guaranteed that there will be a line, cover charge, and at least one drunk D-Bag wearing sunglasses inside almost everywhere downtown, so on the weekends it usually isn’t a bad idea to venture into new territories. Unless you want to try to do a wasted (like barf on your upholstery, crying over some other guy, wanting you to meet her mom wasted) GVSU student, I’d avoid the big ones.
For weekends (if there aren’t any concerts), I’d personally recommend an impromptu jukebox-hogging shuffle around the little-frequented gems on the Grand Rapids Westside. Putt-Putt’s, Joey’s, the Flamingo, the Holiday, Triangle, Monarch, Kale’s Korner, Kuzzins, etc. (bonus points if you have an in at one of the Halls). These are the places where the bikers, townies, hoboes, and off-duty cops meet to slam beer out of cans, shoot pool, and (if you’re really lucky) rock a little karaoke. They don’t give a shit what the dress code is, they don’t give a shit about what you ordered, they don’t even care if you’re underage, near as I can tell. You can get totally schnakered, crack an inappropriate gun joke to a Law Enforcement Officer, make out with somebody else’s mom/dad, and whine your put-out sober friend into driving you home (take the way past McDonalds, dude!), all for like $12.50. This is the plan, if you’re the up-for-anything type.
I’m thinking something like Official TShirtSize:Awesome Westside Scavenger Hunt 2008 this summer maybe? I’ll keep you posted.
*The exception to this generally is Eastown. There is ALWAYS something going on in Eastown. Get your blues/hip hop/rock n’ roll/DJ/80’s on at Billy’s Lounge. Get your nose broken at Mulligan’s. Come see me and KP at the Meanwhile. Have a bottle of Old Style. Bring your friends.
Weekdays are a whole different barrel of fish and monkeys. Feel free to add as you see fit, if you happen to know of some cool goings on that we haven’t heard of. Which are none, but go ahead and try. Here’s the schedule for weekdays*:
Monday- Open Mic night at Billy’s Lounge. $2 microbrews, eclectic local talent, a guy who sings a song about why you should come fuck the manatee (only 25 cents!). NOTE: this is an open mic night meaning there aren’t any auditions or rehearsals or anything, so please make sure in advance that the act you’re watching is actually a comedy act before laughing at them.
Tuesday- O’Toole’s Pub (kind of Westside, but not really). $1 pints of Bud Light and Labatt Blue, cheap appetizers, peanut shells, Jim (what up?), Connect Four. Bring people with you ‘cause it’s a little snooty. I think the special ends at eleven. Also apparently at Monte’s next door there is karaoke with a live band and additional drink cheapness. Get all lubed up with the engineers at O’Toole’s and get out there, you sound just like Pat Benetar, I swear (I have never been to Monte’s for Rockstar Karaoke, so I won’t say whether or not its cool).
Wednesday- J. Gardella’s Tavern downtown. ½ off whatever you like until 11, cheap food, the dirty, smoky, impossibly hip basement. Lots of rock music and girl jeans, more than likely somebody you know from the neighborhood, (in season) the Grand Rapids Griffins and their relentless army of whores. Maybe even one of the few Douglas J students who are of age, but I’m not making any promises. Plus, $2 wine night at the Meanwhile. Mmm…discount wine…
Thursday- the Drink Ultra Lounge downtown. Totally 80’s night. $1 Old Style, Highlife (the champagne of beers), PBR, awesome haircuts, DJ Jeff Leppard (he only sounds like a douche because he is, but he has his moments and plays other Violent Femmes songs besides that one). Don’t show up until 11 at the earliest. Dance like a total maniac with all your favorite cross-dressers and 80’s night disciples from all over town. Watch awesome 80’s footage and music videos from an entirely happier (and more asexually eyeliner-d) time. Try to confirm once-and-for-all if that Dee-Lite song really was 80’s or 90’s (I think 90’s). Hang out with some of your fancy new friends from Wednesday night. If you’re not down for the 80’s like us, check out Mulligan’s for Thirsty Thursdays. Sweet drink specials and the bartenders like to make their drinks strong which is a welcome change.
Sunday- currently under investigation because we hear that they’re not doing Reganomics anymore, and that was hands-down the best 80’s night ever. Best bar night ever, even though we all have to work Monday mornings like a bunch of lame-asses. So what? BRING IT BACK! Knock off all that stupid “favorites from the 70’s 80’s and 90’s” business. $1 Old Styles and Mystery Shots all night (unless they changed that too). Hell, call up Jeff Leppard. You know he’s not busy.
If you’re on a date, or these places don’t suit you, or if you’ve been banned or have peanut allergies or an over-sensitive palette or something, get a little classy at Hop Cat downtown. This place is chill every night of the week. They have like 100 different beers on tap from microbrews (especially Michigan) all over the world, including some of our favorites from Breckenridge, Bell’s, New Holland, Rogue, and Delirium. Toned down ambiance complete with eclectic artwork, fancy brass, and a neat smoking lounge upstairs. This is as close to magic as it gets for beer snobs, so save yourself the embarrassment of ordering a Bud Light and drink Warsteiner like a real man. Plus, they change their cask every Wednesday, and are always organizing beer tours and festivals and stuff. Their servers are mostly foxes, and their Crack Fries are awesome.
For those needing a cosier environment, I suggest checking out Graydon’s Crossing on Plainfield. With deep, high backed booths, amazingly presented Irish food, and an eclectic array of beer and wine, it’s definitely the place to go if you want to impress the ladies. Plus, once the weather warms up, you can head out to the patio and sit under some elegantly placed vines and lights.
Also worth checking out any old time: Founder’s if you like live music, River City Slim’s if you can find it (seriously, ‘cause I can’t, and I want to know what it’s like), Z’s if you like sports, and the Meanwhile if you like sharks.
*All subject to change if the Wings are playing.
Our Personal mission here at TShirtSize:Awesome is not only to keep you all cool despite all odds, but to prevent the spreading of the disease called LumpySadSackery and get Gogol Bordello to play the Intersection. We need to show them that Grand Rapids can be fun despite all the Dutch People (you know what I’m talking about). How are we going to do that if we’re all a bunch of griping, yawning, crybaby go-to-bed-early pantywaists? If booze isn’t your thing get out and see a show, go dancing, get a cause, play Frisbee golf, walk your puppy, drink a Redbull. Anything? How about now?
Let’s face it kids, if it weren’t for the bars, we’d have nothing to do around here at night than make up homework assignments, write silly, self indulgent blogs, and refer to playing video games as “band practice.” Come on now. This guide will hopefully help some of you find a place to develop your malnutritioned social skills, some of you drink on the cheap, some of you even get laid maybe. Pay attention*.
Come Friday and Saturday night, bar awesomeness can be quite a crap-shoot. It’s guaranteed that there will be a line, cover charge, and at least one drunk D-Bag wearing sunglasses inside almost everywhere downtown, so on the weekends it usually isn’t a bad idea to venture into new territories. Unless you want to try to do a wasted (like barf on your upholstery, crying over some other guy, wanting you to meet her mom wasted) GVSU student, I’d avoid the big ones.
For weekends (if there aren’t any concerts), I’d personally recommend an impromptu jukebox-hogging shuffle around the little-frequented gems on the Grand Rapids Westside. Putt-Putt’s, Joey’s, the Flamingo, the Holiday, Triangle, Monarch, Kale’s Korner, Kuzzins, etc. (bonus points if you have an in at one of the Halls). These are the places where the bikers, townies, hoboes, and off-duty cops meet to slam beer out of cans, shoot pool, and (if you’re really lucky) rock a little karaoke. They don’t give a shit what the dress code is, they don’t give a shit about what you ordered, they don’t even care if you’re underage, near as I can tell. You can get totally schnakered, crack an inappropriate gun joke to a Law Enforcement Officer, make out with somebody else’s mom/dad, and whine your put-out sober friend into driving you home (take the way past McDonalds, dude!), all for like $12.50. This is the plan, if you’re the up-for-anything type.
I’m thinking something like Official TShirtSize:Awesome Westside Scavenger Hunt 2008 this summer maybe? I’ll keep you posted.
*The exception to this generally is Eastown. There is ALWAYS something going on in Eastown. Get your blues/hip hop/rock n’ roll/DJ/80’s on at Billy’s Lounge. Get your nose broken at Mulligan’s. Come see me and KP at the Meanwhile. Have a bottle of Old Style. Bring your friends.
Weekdays are a whole different barrel of fish and monkeys. Feel free to add as you see fit, if you happen to know of some cool goings on that we haven’t heard of. Which are none, but go ahead and try. Here’s the schedule for weekdays*:
Monday- Open Mic night at Billy’s Lounge. $2 microbrews, eclectic local talent, a guy who sings a song about why you should come fuck the manatee (only 25 cents!). NOTE: this is an open mic night meaning there aren’t any auditions or rehearsals or anything, so please make sure in advance that the act you’re watching is actually a comedy act before laughing at them.
Tuesday- O’Toole’s Pub (kind of Westside, but not really). $1 pints of Bud Light and Labatt Blue, cheap appetizers, peanut shells, Jim (what up?), Connect Four. Bring people with you ‘cause it’s a little snooty. I think the special ends at eleven. Also apparently at Monte’s next door there is karaoke with a live band and additional drink cheapness. Get all lubed up with the engineers at O’Toole’s and get out there, you sound just like Pat Benetar, I swear (I have never been to Monte’s for Rockstar Karaoke, so I won’t say whether or not its cool).
Wednesday- J. Gardella’s Tavern downtown. ½ off whatever you like until 11, cheap food, the dirty, smoky, impossibly hip basement. Lots of rock music and girl jeans, more than likely somebody you know from the neighborhood, (in season) the Grand Rapids Griffins and their relentless army of whores. Maybe even one of the few Douglas J students who are of age, but I’m not making any promises. Plus, $2 wine night at the Meanwhile. Mmm…discount wine…
Thursday- the Drink Ultra Lounge downtown. Totally 80’s night. $1 Old Style, Highlife (the champagne of beers), PBR, awesome haircuts, DJ Jeff Leppard (he only sounds like a douche because he is, but he has his moments and plays other Violent Femmes songs besides that one). Don’t show up until 11 at the earliest. Dance like a total maniac with all your favorite cross-dressers and 80’s night disciples from all over town. Watch awesome 80’s footage and music videos from an entirely happier (and more asexually eyeliner-d) time. Try to confirm once-and-for-all if that Dee-Lite song really was 80’s or 90’s (I think 90’s). Hang out with some of your fancy new friends from Wednesday night. If you’re not down for the 80’s like us, check out Mulligan’s for Thirsty Thursdays. Sweet drink specials and the bartenders like to make their drinks strong which is a welcome change.
Sunday- currently under investigation because we hear that they’re not doing Reganomics anymore, and that was hands-down the best 80’s night ever. Best bar night ever, even though we all have to work Monday mornings like a bunch of lame-asses. So what? BRING IT BACK! Knock off all that stupid “favorites from the 70’s 80’s and 90’s” business. $1 Old Styles and Mystery Shots all night (unless they changed that too). Hell, call up Jeff Leppard. You know he’s not busy.
If you’re on a date, or these places don’t suit you, or if you’ve been banned or have peanut allergies or an over-sensitive palette or something, get a little classy at Hop Cat downtown. This place is chill every night of the week. They have like 100 different beers on tap from microbrews (especially Michigan) all over the world, including some of our favorites from Breckenridge, Bell’s, New Holland, Rogue, and Delirium. Toned down ambiance complete with eclectic artwork, fancy brass, and a neat smoking lounge upstairs. This is as close to magic as it gets for beer snobs, so save yourself the embarrassment of ordering a Bud Light and drink Warsteiner like a real man. Plus, they change their cask every Wednesday, and are always organizing beer tours and festivals and stuff. Their servers are mostly foxes, and their Crack Fries are awesome.
For those needing a cosier environment, I suggest checking out Graydon’s Crossing on Plainfield. With deep, high backed booths, amazingly presented Irish food, and an eclectic array of beer and wine, it’s definitely the place to go if you want to impress the ladies. Plus, once the weather warms up, you can head out to the patio and sit under some elegantly placed vines and lights.
Also worth checking out any old time: Founder’s if you like live music, River City Slim’s if you can find it (seriously, ‘cause I can’t, and I want to know what it’s like), Z’s if you like sports, and the Meanwhile if you like sharks.
*All subject to change if the Wings are playing.
Our Personal mission here at TShirtSize:Awesome is not only to keep you all cool despite all odds, but to prevent the spreading of the disease called LumpySadSackery and get Gogol Bordello to play the Intersection. We need to show them that Grand Rapids can be fun despite all the Dutch People (you know what I’m talking about). How are we going to do that if we’re all a bunch of griping, yawning, crybaby go-to-bed-early pantywaists? If booze isn’t your thing get out and see a show, go dancing, get a cause, play Frisbee golf, walk your puppy, drink a Redbull. Anything? How about now?
Thursday, May 1, 2008
I don’t know what it is about 80’s music that gets people goin’ all crazy…
You can see the Mega 80’s at least once a month at the Intersection downtown. I recommend you do this. All of you. This Friday, 10pm, $10
These guys are really living the Guitar Hero dream, shredding righteously to songs written by other people in front of an audience teaming with frenzied screaming girls, rocking the costumes, synthesizers, and (in the second set) hair to the max, except these guys actually have real guitars. They’re usually really packed, everyone from emo kids to aging secretaries, and enough douche-bags to satisfy even the most discerning drunk GVSU girl. It’s like a bacchanal that plays Duran Duran covers. It is even encouraged that you get all dolled up in your favorite polo and stretch pants, spill drinks on your boss, bump ass with your college advisor to Rick Springfield and shout at the devil every word in the second set (which is sweet sweet dirt rock). Still doesn’t sound fun? The guy even sings the Go Go’s in a weird, nasaly falsetto. Even the most image-conscious self-depreciating shoe gazer gets his/her dose of the Cure and turns into a dancin’ machine by the time our heroes move into classics like Devo’s “Whip It” (with the hats and choreography) and Tommy Two Tone in the first set. Those are the songs that even your underage girlfriend who doesn’t speak any English and was raised in an Amish convent can sing along to. The second set is one bodaciously long tribute to the Hair Metal that your parents hated but secretly rocked out to in high school, they do everything from the Scorpions to Europe, and people go bat shit for it. It’s stupid, gratuitous fun, bringing the decadence and cheese of the 80’s back to the people who’s fire happened to not get put out by the miserable drivel that was pop music in the 90’s.
Stef usually ends up getting felt up by some sub-concious Cory or Cody while she’s trying to remember the words to the second verse of “Mama’s Fallen Angel.”
KP usually runs into people that she knows. And then ends up getting felt up, scooting up on stage during the grand finale (sung in the style of Def Leppard), and listening to all the shot-propelled horned-up dental hygenists tell the Asian skinny tie-wearing bass player that they “totally want to fuck you.” But then again, something about Skid Row sung out-of-key by a guy in a wig and a belt made of real life bras just does that to a lady.
Call it what you want, silliness, escapism, a good excuse to drink too many Miller Lights and make a bad descision or ten, Mega 80’s is a low-down, old-fashioned hoot and you should all just leave your independent-label alt-country on the shelf, peg roll the shit out of your jeans, and get on out. Be you more Pete Wentz or Robert Smith, you can even leave your eyeliner on (Pete, by the way man, that guy from Kajagoogoo rocked the hell out of that stuff, while you look like that babysitter I used to have who called our cat “cousin” and wanted to file her teeth into points).
Verdict- awesome. While fun almost killed the drummer from Def Leppard and Nikki Sixx was clinically dead for eight minutes, he came back to life and that guy learned to bang the drums one-handed, it didn’t kill them completely and they’re both (twenty years later) on tour this summer. Have a little once in a while, you big crybaby.
*DISCLAIMER- while most of the music I’ve listed here has been in good spirits, my having a sweet time listening to it does not reflect or degrade my taste in music in general. So back off, and just try to admit honestly that you never owned a Wham album. Go ahead and try. -Stef
You can see the Mega 80’s at least once a month at the Intersection downtown. I recommend you do this. All of you. This Friday, 10pm, $10
These guys are really living the Guitar Hero dream, shredding righteously to songs written by other people in front of an audience teaming with frenzied screaming girls, rocking the costumes, synthesizers, and (in the second set) hair to the max, except these guys actually have real guitars. They’re usually really packed, everyone from emo kids to aging secretaries, and enough douche-bags to satisfy even the most discerning drunk GVSU girl. It’s like a bacchanal that plays Duran Duran covers. It is even encouraged that you get all dolled up in your favorite polo and stretch pants, spill drinks on your boss, bump ass with your college advisor to Rick Springfield and shout at the devil every word in the second set (which is sweet sweet dirt rock). Still doesn’t sound fun? The guy even sings the Go Go’s in a weird, nasaly falsetto. Even the most image-conscious self-depreciating shoe gazer gets his/her dose of the Cure and turns into a dancin’ machine by the time our heroes move into classics like Devo’s “Whip It” (with the hats and choreography) and Tommy Two Tone in the first set. Those are the songs that even your underage girlfriend who doesn’t speak any English and was raised in an Amish convent can sing along to. The second set is one bodaciously long tribute to the Hair Metal that your parents hated but secretly rocked out to in high school, they do everything from the Scorpions to Europe, and people go bat shit for it. It’s stupid, gratuitous fun, bringing the decadence and cheese of the 80’s back to the people who’s fire happened to not get put out by the miserable drivel that was pop music in the 90’s.
Stef usually ends up getting felt up by some sub-concious Cory or Cody while she’s trying to remember the words to the second verse of “Mama’s Fallen Angel.”
KP usually runs into people that she knows. And then ends up getting felt up, scooting up on stage during the grand finale (sung in the style of Def Leppard), and listening to all the shot-propelled horned-up dental hygenists tell the Asian skinny tie-wearing bass player that they “totally want to fuck you.” But then again, something about Skid Row sung out-of-key by a guy in a wig and a belt made of real life bras just does that to a lady.
Call it what you want, silliness, escapism, a good excuse to drink too many Miller Lights and make a bad descision or ten, Mega 80’s is a low-down, old-fashioned hoot and you should all just leave your independent-label alt-country on the shelf, peg roll the shit out of your jeans, and get on out. Be you more Pete Wentz or Robert Smith, you can even leave your eyeliner on (Pete, by the way man, that guy from Kajagoogoo rocked the hell out of that stuff, while you look like that babysitter I used to have who called our cat “cousin” and wanted to file her teeth into points).
Verdict- awesome. While fun almost killed the drummer from Def Leppard and Nikki Sixx was clinically dead for eight minutes, he came back to life and that guy learned to bang the drums one-handed, it didn’t kill them completely and they’re both (twenty years later) on tour this summer. Have a little once in a while, you big crybaby.
*DISCLAIMER- while most of the music I’ve listed here has been in good spirits, my having a sweet time listening to it does not reflect or degrade my taste in music in general. So back off, and just try to admit honestly that you never owned a Wham album. Go ahead and try. -Stef
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