Ya everybody! Is dat time once more, lederhosen, dirndls, lift yer stein it’s German time! Vat are you sinking?! Oktoberfest!

Ya everybody! Is dat time once more, lederhosen, dirndls, lift yer stein it’s German time! Vat are you sinking?! Oktoberfest!

Hallo my German friends! It’s almost October (pardon, Rocktober) and you know what that means? Excellence! Excitement! Football! Hockey! I have to say that for not being summer, this is the best month of the year for all things lasses-faire and fun like tiny candy bars. And anything featuring the word “spice”. It’s the time of year where the air is crisp and everything is spooky and grown men dress like comic book characters and hit on slutty (insert noun here)s. Very romantic. But it all starts here, vith Oktoberfest! Ya! Yay!

Everybody pour the beer! When it comes to ethnic celebrations, Rocktober is also the best time to celebrate our Slavic/Bavarian/Germanic neighbors from the East. Believe it or not, you don’t have to be in Munich to enjoy the excess. Just imagine row after row of vomit-soaked picnic tables covered in food-slaws and various wursts, knocking mugs with fat guys and old dudes with puppets while an oompah band plays AC/DC into the night right here in your home town! This weekend John Ball Park will host the second annual Oktoberfest celebration for your boozy enjoyment. In case you happen to mistake the festivities for the actual zoo, Oktoberfest will be the drunk people under the tents, the monkeys and blind disabled bald eagles will be the zoo (extra points will be rewarded to those who can smuggle a monkey or blind eagle into Oktoberfest). Bring twenty dollars to sample delicious German beers from your favorite breweries and halls, Erdinger, Ayinger, and many more (ps-if you don’t make it to the tents, at least get yourself to HopCat for a magnificent glass of the radiant Hacker-Pshorr Oktoberfest. It’s so good it’s like drinking moonbeams and sunshine and tractor pulls and dwarf tossing in a glass), and your favorite heavy, gut busting delectables from Erika’s and more. If you ask for a Heinekin, Dolf Lundgren (he isn’t making a special appearance or anything, he just really likes these things) will jump out of an edelweiss bush and beat you with a schnitzel within an inch of your life. And it’s really fun! There will be German bands, accordions, tokens, and Frauleins who all need help tying their bustier. I believe they will let you in even if you’re not wearing long blond pigtails and a rucksack. I think…

But why stop there? Who else loves a good, drunken Westside parade? The Polish! So don’t blow your entire wad at the beer tent, next weekend it’s Pulaski days! Yesss, the best kind! Nobody, and I mean NOBODY knows how to throw and old fashioned throw down bacchanalski like us. Polish halls all over Grand Rapids open their doors to the general public and allow pretty much any nationality to cross our boarders and occupy our facilities, listen to our clown bands, and do our easy drunk girls. Hmmm…sounds like history…this is one of the best weekends to be in this town for sure. Who enjoys a good invasion more than the Polish? Dunno! Lots of food, dancing, classic rock and polka, in too many different places to go to stay in just one. It’s like St. Patty’s day only it goes for an entire weekend. Diamond hall, Eastern Hall, Kashuska, Sons and Daughters, Falcons, Little hall, really pack ‘em in there. So show up early and please, take getting wasted seriously, this is a national holiday commemorating Poland’s greatest hero. Roll out the barrels and join the parade, me and KP will for sure see you there, ya!

I’ll know a little more about where we’ll be for Pulaski days soon, but that should keep you drunk and getting laid by authentic Westside ass for at least a few weekends. Seriously though, there are a ton of other things to do this Rocktober, so stay tuned friends, this is just the beginning!

If your Uncle Jack helped you off an elephant, would you help your Uncle jack off an elephant?

So, Stef, my little sister and I, are going on a road trip to none other than Dodge City, Kansas, where the buffalo have been replaced with prairie dogs and only the good guys can tell you to "get the hell out of Dodge". From my very little knowledge of the city, it was a major hub during the migration westward during the late 1800's and the TV show "Gunsmoke" was filmed there.

So, to get to Dodge City, we are driving to St. Louis, staying there for a day, then making our way to Dodge City. Once in Dodge City I will just push my sister out of the car and move on to Denver. Our goal is to see every "World's largest bottle of ketchup" and "World's largest ball of twine" between here and there. Anyone have any suggestions to add? Somewhere interesting to stop on our way through Iowa and Nebraska?

The most exciting thing for me will be on the way home, during which time we will stop in a little old town called Riverside, Iowa. Here is just a little taste of what is in store for us in Riverside



I think that picture speaks for itself.

So, in the spirit of the old west and Dodge City, I think you all might enjoy a little video that I like from one of the greatest Westerns of all time. It's Once Upon a Time in the West... Henry Fonda and Charles Bronson are gritty at its best! Unfortunately, if you have never seen this movie, it will most definitely ruin the ending of it, so BEWARE!!

Speeding Tickets, Farm Animals, and Amorous Gas Station Attendents, Another Trip to Detroit Ends Strongly in Our Favor. School’s In, Bitch.

Speeding Tickets, Farm Animals, and Amorous Gas Station Attendents, Another Trip to Detroit Ends Strongly in Our Favor. School’s In, Bitch.

OK, so me, KP, and my darling wonderful Chuck hit the road the other day for the Michigan state fair in beautiful (and by beautiful, I mean disgusting) Detroit Michigan. We wanted to check out the animals, you know, pet a baby duck, laugh at the dog show (the cool obstacle course one, not that lame one where the dog just stands there and gets felt up by some crew-cut judge), maybe watch one of Detroit’s Finest face off with an actual pig (intensity! Drama! He almost lost!), witness a cow being born (ps- DO NOT YOUTUBE THIS. NO MATTER WHAT YOU’VE SEEN IN THE PAST, YOU ARE NOT READY), and oh yes, Alice, the original Motor City nutcase (sorry Ted), the king of the night, sleazebag, lacy, makeup-wearing sex god Alice Cooper. Man, was she good.

This was me and KP’s third time seeing this guy. He is my rock-n-roll father, and a respected hero, maybe even in my top 5 coolest rock stars of all possible time. And I’m not only saying this because he’s like sixty and still stabbing babies on stage and swinging his sword around and doing all the same stuff he’s been doing since (for real) the 60’s, I’m saying that because not only has he been terrifying audiences for so long and took the idea of parents-hate-it-so-teens-adore-it rock to the next level and the next level and the level after that, but the guy has been doing this TOTALLY SANE. He’s really smart. He has class. He’s a Christian Republican golfer (besides the golf thing, I personally am of neither persuasion, FYI) for chrissakes and he still hasn’t sold out. Half of his autobiography is him talking about why he found the church, all the cool Motley Crue rockstar shit he never did, and openly hawking Callaway golf equipment with not even a whiff of shame. By all rock standards he should totally suck. He is so bad-ass that he does not suck. He will never suck, it’s impossible.

Thankfully, he had the whole stage show this time. He had the crutch (my personal favorite), the whip, and the silver fencing sword (it once belonged to Errol Flynn, you know). He had the white top hat and tails, and the black leather/red silk combo. He had the corpse that he spoke to, whipped around, and threw off stage, and he had his vampire/dominatrix daughter dancing, whom he beat and strangled during a weird medley of songs including STEEEEEPHENNNN!!!! Straight jacket. Gallows. He totally hung himself. Backed by the setting sun and the tripped-out calliope lights of the midway, Alice Cooper played dutifully and expertly, the ferryman who ushered us across the river Speedwagon, and into his rock n’ roll nightmare.

He knows what he’s doing. The man’s been putting on variations of this show (and audiences have been eagerly lapping it out of his wrinkly hands) since the 70’s. The guy is good, no doubt about it. But I need to give a special shout out right now to Alice’s band. THE BAND WAS GREAT. The drummer (a fella by the name of Eric Singer who has played for KISS, and Black Sabbath) his one-million piece drum kit (for the second time this summer, homes) made Tommy Lee yet again his bitch with an ultra metal mega-cool drum solo at half-time while Alice received oxygen and defibrillation backstage. It was crazy. Watching the two guitar players switch almost by bar between lead and rhythm, all with a maximum of flair and 80’s-style righteousness had me wiping tears off my moistened cheeks and also my…never mind. They were brutal. They were beautiful. These guys are Keri Kelli (see here )and Jason Hook ( call me, baby!) and they are bronzed, immortal guitar gods, glowing radioactive next to one of rock n’ roll’s most prized possessions. You owe it to yourself as a fan, guitar snob, or groupie to check Alice out, if not only for the baby-stabbing-daughter-beating-Julius Squeezer antics of rock’s original dementor, but also for the head-banging rock contingent that makes up his band. That’s a real guitar hero.

How in the hell does a self-proclaimed conservative Christian in Scottsdale Country Club still get away with baby stabbing? How does he get away with having Barack Obama and John McCain making out on stage, while he prances around in leather pants screaming “I’m your man! I don’t care!!”? How does he hawk 3-rings for Staples, Big Berthas for Calloway, AA, the lord, and never have cheated on his wife of 30 years, all while simultaneously getting us to pound our fists and scream the words to “School’s Out” when school actually starts in three days?!? I don’t know! Neither will you, I’m afraid. We will never know how Alice Cooper still retains all his street cred while turning into the exact same guy he fought all those years. You and me? We will never be that cool. We will sell out and go soft and get cheesy and all that other stuff that should have attached itself to Alice long ago but didn’t. He isn’t an immortal like Sir Paul McCartney and he isn’t a rock zombie like Mick and Keith. He is a man, a dad, a golfer, a radio host (who’s show totally kicks ass and I email him all the time but he won’t adopt me. Jerk.) floating safely down a man-made river of dirt rock that he helped to build. I’ll bet he’s in some kind of pirate ship with black sails a la Pirates of the Caribbean, or even better, a battered Chinese junk boat with tattered sales and a lone lantern at the helm, shining sinisterly onto his made-up nightmare face. That would be sweet. Yeah, that’s gotta be it.

Bottom line: he’s awesome, KP is awesome, and Chuck is awesome, so the show (and the fair) totally kicked ass. You have to go to a fair and mingle with the yokles if you get a chance. That is an official TshirtSizeAwesome recommendation, from me to you. I think we might have missed the Hudsonville fair (bummer), but there’s still the Allegan County Fair and the Ionia Free Fair (I think…) coming up soon so get your tickets to the demolition derby, always bet on #69, and look for me, KP, and Chuck wearing battered cutoffs and screaming through our walking tacos to SPILL SOME FUCKING BLOOD! Farm animals are hilarious. Always a good time to be had.

NOTE to the horrible people parked in front of us with the cigarettes who brought a ONE MONTH OLD BABY to Alice Cooper: What the hell, man? Your white trash kitsch was evident enough without ashing your stogie into your newborn’s face. This is a rock concert, assholes, leave your teeny, innocent, mentally and physically formative baby AT HOME. The one Alice Cooper tortures is fake (I’m pretty sure), which does not give you the right to torture an actual one. You guys suck. And if I see you in prison someday for child abuse and domestic violence, I’ll totally shank you, for your baby’s sake.

Things that are awesome that aren't supposed to be...

Ok so this is partly to keep the readers and writers on the same page when we’re in our respective roles, and partly to absolve any residual guilt I might have for enjoying these things and still creaming nerds anyway, then taking their lunch money but giving it back right before lunch, you know, not to steal it but just to prove a point. The point being, don’t fuck with me. Even though nerds don’t usually fuck with me anyway, they’re kind of indifferent. I like to make them aware of me and then not to fuck with me once they know…ok I’m done. Here are a few things that seem like they should be not awesome when they actually are (in no order):

• Parking validation- sure it may hinder your ability to storm out of your average ramp-requiring situation (ie: dentist’s office, children’s hospital, your PO’s) all in a huff right after you’ve scattered papers in the receptionist’s face and tipped over her entire jar of jellybeans on purpose, but hey, who wants to pay $8 for stupid parking?

• Spice World- I mean the movie, not the channel you perv. For a bunch of semi-talented, average-looking chubby-ish British chicks who don’t really sing all that great, “write” that great, or perform that great, the Spice Girls are ADORABLE and have somehow found a way to break the linear progression of this dimension and come full circle from completely terrible to totally awesome. Now that’s Girl Power! *See also Puffy AmiYumi

• The Cosby Show- yeah I know that it went off the air fifty years ago or something and now Vanessa’s doing fat-roebics on VH1, Rudy’s slutting it up in Chingy videos and Olivia has somehow become the Disney Channel’s only 37 year old ‘tween star, but damn I wish Dr. Huxtable was my dad, for real. Would it still be creepy to have a crush on Theo though?

• Star Wars- ever tried to build the death star out of Legos? Of course you have. Enough said.

• Rush- predecessors to math and nerd rock, home to the world’s best and most neurotic drummer and a singer who sounds like Alvin and the Chipmunks on acid, completely indistinguishable and untranslatable lyrics and a rhythm section that cannot be processed by most human brains, they bring to mind that old Hemingway question, who’s totally psyching who out, man?

• Ray-Ban’s- from Buddy Holly to Warhol and Dylan to Ringwald to emo to Old Navy, for being hideous, these things aren’t going anywhere. Good call, Beck.

• Slip-N-Slide - Awesome no matter how much weight you’ve actually gained since you were six. Still pain-tastic after all these years. Thanks, Kipp!

• Children’s books- even after all the chapter books I’ve read in my time, Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus, Frog and Toad Are Friends, and Diary of a Wimpy Kid (rules!) are surprisingly funny. You go Greg Heffley!

• Lost- I really didn’t even want to admit to this one, but I was actually putting my shoes on to leave when D-Rock started watching the DVD’s and I cancelled my plans for the whole weekend to watch this shit. Seriously. Causing a rift in the space-time continuum? Stop fucking with us, Desmond!

• Finnish rock superstars LORDI- straight-up cheese rock made even cheesier by their awkward, English-ish lyrics, Gwar-type costumes, and 2006 EuroVision award, these guys are bringing back the balls to rock for real. If Iron Maiden and DethKlok had a baby it would be ugly as sin and sound like Lordi. Youtube “Hard Rock Hallelujah.” Zombie cheerleaders? Awesome!M

• Metalocalypse- rarely does one come across a parody band that actually kicks real, tangible ass like Cartoon Network’s DethKlok. For being a cartoon spoof, they’re more metal than most actual metal out there. Think Tenacious D only WAY MORE BRUTAL. In the words of Nathan Explosion, “We found out we could just, you know, buy psychological validation. So you’re fired.”

• Bullet Points- (and numbering, KP loves the numbering)

• Yesterdog- hot dogs are the grossest of all food groups anyway and these ones especially look like they’re covered in baby vomit but I’ll be damned if they aren’t the best tasting food in all of Grand Rapids.

• Mika- well-bred London boy, classically trained in piano, lovely singing voice and flamboyant taste. I’ll break it down: Red Bull + jelly doughnut + Freddy Mercury + fat chicks + amphetamines + the Scissor Sisters + NoDoz = Mika. He is the cure for emo. Sounds like it should suck, right? My point exactly! (KP’s favorite lyrics include: “I said sucking too hard on your lollipop Oh, loves gonna get you down” and “Diet coke and a pizza please Diet coke I'm on my knees screamin, Big girls you are beautiful”)

• Clowns and magic tricks- but I’m still kind of on the fence about this one… (KP: I’m not…seriously what’s more awesome that a dude dressed up in all the colors of the rainbow, with paint on his face, making little doggies out of something phallic looking that he blew up. I love balloon animals!)

• Insect Violence - Fuck bees. I’ll punch a bee in the face. (Spiders are arachnids and, being deathly afraid of spiders, Stef will not come within ten feet of a spider, let alone punch it in the face, but I, KP, totally will, cause I enjoy punching things in the face)

• Alice Cooper- the guy is like 100 years old and a Christian, republican semi-pro golfer in Scottsdale AZ and he still hasn’t sold out. Even I can’t explain that one. Rock on, man. Buy the album Trash if you don’t believe me. (KP: The first time I saw Alice Cooper is concert, I was skeptical, I though he would have to be wheeled out in a wheelchair, but after he guillotined himself on stage I knew I was a fan for LIFE!)

• Herb Alpert’s Tijuana Brass- how the hell was this stuff ever popular? I know that no one likes to think about their parents getting laid, but unless your mom and dad were Tawny Kitaen and David Coverdale, you were more than likely conceived to one of these songs.

• The Coreys- no not now, please pretend they never made that reality show. I mean the Coreys from 1982. Seriously, didn’t Stephenie Meyers see Lost Boys? Those vampires were sweet. Why can’t Feldman revive himself with a little class like Neal Patrick Harris? Frog rules!! Lost Boys II! Oh… wait…

• Meg White- she doesn’t sing for shit, she doesn’t really have anything to say, and she hardly has to play the drums at all. Yeah, but she’s just so cool. Then she turns up in rehab for “anxiety.” How can I compete with that??

• Karaoke- possibly nothing makes less sense but is more beautiful in the whole world than expressing your emotion through somebody else’s songs. That Charlie Rich has nothing on you.

• Mortal Kombat- the more buttons they add, the more cool shit you can do on accident while you’re just jamming your fingers together and then saying “I totally did that on purpose, I got the code online.” Finish him!

• The Dirt by Motley Crue- I probably told you about this before, but they all tell chapters of their life stories in their own voices, dude. Mick is on another planet, Tommy is a hugably, adorable, little wife-beater, Nikki is unbelievably cognizant considering he was legally dead for eight minutes, and Vince is (surprise!) kind of an asshole. I didn’t want it to end. I stopped reading Brothers Karamazov to read this book. Either Neil Strauss is truly a literary genius, or these guys are the most loveable anti-heroes of all time. What up, Marvel? Where’s the comic already? (KP: I just read that they are making this into a movie, with *gasp* Val Kilmer as David Lee Roth and Christopher Walken as Ozzy. SHUT UP!!)

• The Dice Man- so I just watched the Adventures of Ford Fairlane for the first time (yes, Bubba!). Again, if you pretend the reality show didn’t ever exist, unbelievable!

• Leg Warmers- yes huh they’re cool, I wear them all the time. They look good with heels, flops, and low-top AllStars. Still don’t believe me? Ask Tiffany when you think you’re alone now. (KP: It’s true, and Stef pulls them off all year long, 12 feet of snow on the ground and you want to wear a skirt? Leg warmers! Everywhere we go, people are like, “Hey cool socks!”).

• Calling in sick when you’re not really sick- yeah I know it’s a shitty thing to do, but especially when it’s sunny and nice outside, work is a shitty place to be. Trust me, they’ll get over it. (KP: Other acceptable reasons include: Redwings Parade, not feeling like it, and just because)

• Anthony Bourdain- both his books and No Reservations on the Travel Channel.
Stef holding up a No Reservations DVD, “I’m going to marry him someday. Do you think we make a good couple?” Guy from the library “dude, how old is that guy?” It doesn’t matter how old he is, he could be seventy-five and he’ll still be the voice of our generation, only with the liberty to do and eat way more cooler stuff. This man is the definition of “living the dream” and he still has the gumption to complain about being on TV and in Nairobi eating beetles and intestine all the time. I love you, Anthony Bourdain.

• Tape - Duct tape, packing tape, electrical tape, double sided tape, gaffers tape. Every color, every size, everything you could ever need. It's there for you! Also, when I spend the day discussing the ways to adhere a 200 pound man to a wall upside down, without velcro, you cannot tell me that's not awesome!

That’s enough for now, but I know you’ve got a couple to add, so you know, message us back! I can’t tell you how much we love messages, even if they are self-inflated, over analytical, and rude.(KP: Those are my favorite,!) Holla back, yo! Tell me some things that people wouldn’t think were awesome but are actually awesome.