Here we go, T-shirt size: Awesome #1.

We didn’t do anything really cool this weekend except for have beers and burn CD’s illegally (bite me, iTunes).

We’re just going to start off with a list of things I (Stef) would do to get next to a certain semi-pro not-famous-by-any-means-maybe-skated-next-to-Chelios-but-aint-no-steve-yzerman local hockey player tough guy who just happened to touch my arm the other day. Followed shortly by a similar list of things that KP would do to subsequently get next to the guy who wears girl jeans (rocks them, rather) and works at the coffee shop by our house. In no particular order:

1) Sleep my way to the position of head suit fitter at the Men’s Warehouse in Kentwood (or even Wyoming), just to get a better look at that in-seam. I understand that the competition at Men’s Warehouse is cutthroat, but I’ve also seen the movie Wall Street. Assistant Store Managers, consider yourselves fellached.
2) Learn how to grill $2.50 cheeseburgers because apparently he likes those. I know now that when you cook beef you can put the grill (foreman or otherwise) on “high”, so I’m already half-way there. I’ll be winin’ and dinin’ in no time.
3) Privacy-check his sauna, and by privacy check I mean find the best place in there to hide a video camera.
4) Actually learn hot-chick self defense so I can pound all of those silly bitches who just want to date him for his Grand Rapids semi-pro salary. Since I don’t wear much makeup normally I’ll be lighter and considerably more agile, not to mention have a wider line of vision and won’t have to stop all the time to re-apply. If it’s prison rules, I think I’ll have a pretty good chance.
5) Befriend his mom. There ain’t no getting around that one, Buddy.
6) Punch a granny. Especially if she was in his way. "Is the fact that granny is walking near you bothering you? Huh? She is?" Pow to granny!
7) Buy a dog. That way I can walk said dog in front of his house as many times a day as needed to "accidentally" run into him on his way to his car.


For the coffee-shop girl jeans guy, KP would (she didn’t write this, but she honestly would):

1) Survey her closet and after a careful piece-count of every shirt that she owns that has stripes on it, finally (tearfully) admit her emo-ness, break down and buy that Paramour CD that she’s been secretly eyeing.
2) Become well versed in the world of the printed word, covet the precious journals and poetry books that probably litter his bathroom floor, embrace Plath and Bukowski completely, in other words, actually read a book once in a while.
3) Become one hell of a baker. I mean a gingham aproned, chicken-shaped oven mitted, poppin’ fresh loathing, dutch-doughnut master baker, just because this guy looks like he could really use a cupcake.
4) Get all scientific on his ass with an article about the physical rules of unspoken attraction and how it’s detrimental to the body to not act upon such urges, in public bathrooms or back-offices or walk-in coolers, etc. and get it published in one of those science magazines that they sell. Yes, there will be charts and graphs.
5) Privacy-check his bedroom, and by privacy check, make sure no one else can see when he goes in there at night and puts eyeliner on and photoshops a picture of himself over the picture of Jared Leto on the cover of the 30 Seconds To Mars CD.
6) Befriend his mom (see item #5 of stef’s list). Knowing KP, his mom would freaking love her after fifteen seconds. Brother, you’re goose is cooked.

I'm sure more will come things will be added to the list over time...stay tuned