And Speaking of Fine, Hand-Crafted Microbrew Excellence…

For you beer lovers out there, we’re in a prime spot for delicious deliciousness here in Grand Rapids. Believe it or not, there are some fantastic home-brews right here in our back yard (or our neighbor’s backyard, which is way cooler and has a pool). And since we’re getting into summer a little bit, nothing goes better with sitting on your porches, patios, what have you (did you know some places even have a beer garden? Not quite as cool as they sound, but Frisbee-hackey-sack-legalize-it fun anyway) than a frosty glass/bottle of your favorite beer snobbery. If you don’t have one, get one. Here are some of my picks for a good pint:

Founder’s Brewery- downtown. They make the IPA. They make the Dirty Bastard. They make the Devil Dancer and the diabolic Red Rye. Anything they serve will get you making baaaa-a-a-d choices quickly if you’re not careful. Fair prices, good selection, awesome associate brewmaster. They just upped their kitty quite a bit and moved into a fancy new location, complete with a decent stage, space-age smoking greenhouse thing, and neat outdoor seating. I can’t wait until the summer when they roll those huge doors open and we can all chill Boulder CO style. For the warm weather their Rubeus is absolutely magical. Go see Sweet Japonic play there if you get the chance, they’re fun to rock to, their songs are all pleasing, and the singer is a stone fox. If you attempt to order a Bud Light, the bouncer will punch you, right in the nose.

Food: Yes. It’s a new thing. The sandwiches all have funny names, but I’ve never actually eaten there so I can’t tell you if they’re good. I’m sure they’re nature-tastic though.

Ambiance: Laid back. They have a lot of friendly regulars so make yourself a few friends once in a while. Small-town version of a big city brewery. Good place to take your dad or your well-traveled, slightly fancy step-brother (hey, Josh!) good place to find a real “breakfast beer.”

Music: Live often. They have a house jam band built in. there is usually a cover if there’s a band but more often than not, it’s worth the five-spot to get in. The jukebox is always dominated and full of random jam bands and Led Zeppelin and Beck and stuff. Good place to see your favorite off-jazz sestet, conga drum collective, or sensitive singer-songwriter live. Decent acoustics, interesting outdoorsy atmosphere, and if that doesn’t do it for you, remember that you’re standing in a literal forest of beer.



Bell’s Brewery and Eclectic Cafe- Kalamazoo. WORTH THE DRIVE. These guys know what the hell they’re doing when it comes to beer brewing. This is the Mecca of Michigan microbrews. Best Brown, Two Hearted, the Consecrator, summer staple Oberon, Expedition, HopSlam. There isn’t a beer that I’ve had that I didn’t love, both in the glass and the bottle. I’ve never been there when I didn’t have to pay cover to get in, but like I said, it’s worth the trip. They call the place Bell’s Eclectic Café during the day and it certainly is. The joint looks like Wonka’s factory from the outside and acts like it inside (no oompa-loompas or beer river, but there is a beer garden full of kids who want to buy drugs off of you). There’s a bunch of random shit in there including lots of antique cartoons, sineage, and some huge-ass bugs (under glass. Gross, I know). Oberon is a summer staple amongst the general population, and they made it good this year. Their Best Brown and IPA is also highly recommended. Actually, you can’t go wrong with any beer they serve. Anytime. Ever.

Food: Apparently yes, but who cares?

Ambiance: uh…eclectic? Two levels of seating even though the whole place is non-smoking. Lots of natural oak, chalkboards, fancy bar, very charming. The prices usually deter the wasted WMU students who crawl all over the place down there, so don’t worry about beer-pong nite or Lil Wayne jukebox picks. Lots of adorable men, but I’ve never seen a hot chick go near that place, unless you’re cool with that self-proclaimed “whimsy girl” who wears pigtails, is wry about everything, and always on her cell phone. OUTDOOR BEER GARDEN. Yeah it is that cool, it’s like Central Park all tucked into downtown Kalamazoo. Except this one serves you.

Music: Almost always a live band. More frequently now that their insubstantial step-brother Kraftbrau closed down. They can even pull some pretty big (relative, still no place for Gogol Bordello though) acts. Outdoor venue for when things get extra special. Heaven if you have a taste for fine beer and an open mind.


New Holland Brewing Company- Holland. Worth the drive if you spend the day at the beach. Worth the drive if you’re on a date with someone that you really want to impress/get drunk. New Holland is (near as I can tell) the one decent venue in all of Holland, so don’t plan on leaving once you get a seat, and considering all the wonderful selections you’ll be sampling, they’ll be pouring you out at the end of the night, anyway. New Holland Brewery is responsible for delectable Michigan staples like Mad Hatter IPA, Poet Oatmeal Stout (recommended if you like dark, creamy, not-too-bitter sexiness), summer Sun Dog wheat, and the commanding and panty-dropping Dragon’s Milk, who’s aroma alone will have you crying out for Beowulf to drive you home.

Food: Definitely. They specialize in food pairings at New Holland, your favorite delectables and their most precious alcoholic counterparts. Bring your checkbook though, it’ll cost you. Plus, they have pizza. Wood fired. Garlic and artichoke hearts and goose livers, whatever. Enough said.

Ambiance: small-ish and cozy but you must remember that this is Holland so lots of fancy make-up and un-admitted plastic surgeried-up wives with rocks that could pay for an entire tribe in Africa to go to Harvard. Lots of getting drunk under the table. Like I said, good place for a date, business dinner, or cheeky rendezvous with one of the guys who’s married to said surgeried-up wife. Nowhere else around to go, so plan on staying there. If you roll deep, make sure they can behave themselves in public, and have discerning taste for a good, crafted pint. Great outdoor seating.

Music: Never heard any there, but I assume they have small live acts once in a while. Not a place to seek out a rockin’ show. Check out their website for a bunch of cool beer-snob stuff going on this summer like beer brewing forums and cigar classes, and it is on the beach kind of, which makes up for the lack of harmonica.

The Hideout Brewery- Plainfield Ave, Grand Rapids. Haven’t been there yet so I can’t tell you if it’s any good or not. But what I can tell you is that the building used to be a Hubba Tubba and they were brewing something, but it definitely wasn’t beer. Man, I hope that’s not where they got the idea. If they have a beer there called “Used Band-Aid” or “Little Swimmers” run. Run run run. I can also tell you that they’ve changed names a few times in the few years that it’s been a brewery. I’m not saying anything, I’m just saying. However, we’ll probably try it before too long, so be on the lookout for an update. If there’s no jukebox, I’m gonna be pissed.

There are also a few choice little hamlets around here that don’t actually brew beer, but retain the honor of having beer snobbery be their upmost priority nonetheless.

I know I mentioned Hop Cat before, but they have one million different fancy microbrews right on tap and they actually serve it in the proper vessel for that particular beer (example: there is actually such a thing as a pilsner glass). Their menu is split into Michigan microbrews, USA, and international. Seem a little obscure? If you don’t trust your buddies to order for you, or you can’t (for whatever reason, ya big lush) read the poetic descriptions on the menu, ask your expert server for a recommendation. If you get the curly-haired French Canadian guy he’ll pick a good, honest selection with a minimum of heckling and eye-rolling, but the short bleached haircutted guy is surly. Look out for that guy. The food there is pretty tasty, the crack fries are 100% righteous magic, and the grilled cheese is verbatim, the best Juan has ever tasted. They also have fish tacos. So there you go. If you try to order a Bud Light, that surly guy will even get down off his pedestal, remove (in the surliest way possible) his white kid glove and slap your face, sir. Why don’t you check out chubby-chicks-in-booty-shorts night at McFadden’s?

Grayden’s Crossing- Plainfield and Leonard. This place is sweet, I’m not going to lie. Good place to meet friends, good place to take a date, good place to watch sports, good place to break up with/get dumped by your boyfriend and then try not to laugh while he takes a leak in the parking lot. Great patio area, and a whole chalkboard full of tasty brews. They’ve even got Rogue Brewery’s Dead Guy Ale, which is beautiful. Plus, most of the staff will tell you if the beer is actually awesome, or it’s just a clever title (the Dragonsmeade Under The Kilt is actually pretty good. If anybody wants to check that place out with me it’s on the East side of the state somewhere and I’m down). Graydon’s also has these beer cocktail things that are a little bit girlie but delicious and fun to drink (Guinness and cider, Guinness and lambec, etc), and all kinds of tasty vittles too. That guy from Germany loved the burger (everything is bigger in America, ya? Hi Hansi!) but they’ve got an interesting menu of Irish/English and Indian cuisine that’s discerning enough to foil even the highest-maintenance of girlfriends. There are dartboards and a crack-machine, probably Keno, and definitely this weird big door thing that doesn’t really serve a purpose but to ponder (we’re having a door pondering meeting next Thursday by the way, bring your Kirkegaard and join us. Why is it there? Where does it lead to?). Rumor has it even that they’re getting all satin panties on us and opening a restaurant in East Grand Rapids’ Gaslight Village. Mortgage schmorgage. Enjoy the crew team.

Martha’s Vinyard- Union Street downtown. Yes it’s a party store, but it’s more of an upscale delectables/wine/cheesecake/fancy mustard type party store than a Cheetos/Old Style/barf-in-the-dumpster type party store, even though I bet they have that stuff too. Martha’s is the type of place where you can get your Newport Kings with a side of kalmata olives stuffed with herring. It’s cool. If you’re new to the sprawling kingdom of fancy-pants beer, this is the place to go, cause the guys at the counter are trained to tutor your Bud Light ass in their image. Enjoy pick-and-choose single bottles of all kinds of Michigan and national beers. Marvel at all the German words and funny dots over the o’s. Spend the money on a bottle of St. Bernardus, it’s Belgian and when I had it the first time I was ready to settle down and move in with it. Thinking about kids and fences and lawnmowers and stuff. Then shuffle a couple of coolers down and reminisce about how you used to like the taste of Natty Lite. Ptooie, you’re in the good stuff, now. It’s not the best selection of bottled beers I’ve ever seen, but it’s the best within walking distance and that’s what counts because you can’t drive if you’ve had more than one sq. oz of brewski and its just plain foolish if you ask me. Speaking of that, ask those guys behind the counter what they’re into and not to bullshit you, or else you’ll walk out of there with a case of MGD, you’ll do it, you swear! They can order brews that they don’t have, and if especially you’re feeling the Bavarian/Belgian vibe, they at least keep it in stock. For a bunch of beer snobs and wine guys, they’re pretty nice. Downright friendly actually. I would advise against the pizza next door though. It may look fancy, but it’s crummy at best. Not even sexy a little bit. What’s the deal, guys?

And finally, for you brave (please say experienced) fellows out there, there is Siciliano’s Market out on Lake Michigan Drive who will teach you, cultivate you, and keep your shit in line if you’re interested in brewing a little soup of your own. This place is cool because you can see all the little parts of your favorite brew before you drink it. If you’re interested at all where this stuff comes from, the guys from Siciliano’s will tell you. Please be sophisticated though, and don’t order Bud Light. Large already-brewed selection available also, including the neat pick-your-own 6-pack feature.