It's KP time...

WTF STEF, ALL WE EVER GET ARE YOUR KNUCKLEHEAD OPINIONS AND DUMBASS ANALYSIS, WHAT ABOUT KP? YOU THINK YOU’RE SO SMART… WHY NOT GIVE HER SOME FACE TIME? SHE’S GOTTA BE WAY MORE AWESOME, RIGHT? RIGHT? SPOTLIGHT ON…

…KP. She’s sort of the brains behind this operation (which will be a really big deal when we get popular enough to have summer celebrations and box seats and decals for our cars and stuff). I say “brains behind” because she actually knows how to use the internet machine and has put a link to us on her myspace and I don’t even know how she does it. I don’t even know how to look at my myspace, much less direct somebody someplace (turn left at the new gas station. Not the old one, the new one…yeah…no you went too far). Anyway, more about this wonderful bundle of intensity and emotion that is KP. *print off this page and memorize everything on it if you want to take her on a date ever. And please, bring you’re A-game. No shit, son. Follow through.

KP got her start young as a dinosaur wrestler and robot programmer in the muddy concrete highlands of Wyoming Michigan. As a child she was so stunningly beautiful that even her parents couldn't look directly at her face or they would freeze in a trance of awe that always lasted until way past eight pm. This pissed her sisters (less pretty, but then again, everyone is) off because this meant that they always had to make their own dinner. Finally after months and months of Tyson Chicken Nuggets and Mac-N-Cheese Cheerios Nutmeg casserole, and after the second time they had to load mom and dad onto a dolly and push them to the emergency room because they missed too many dinners completely, they decided to do what’s best for the family unit and ship KP off to Michigan State University, where hopefully everyone would be too drunk or studious to fall victim to her spell.

While in college, she took her guidance counselor’s advice and decided to hone her secondary skill as a dino-wrestler (second only to her undeniable skill and steady hand as a scientist). She quickly climbed up in intramural ranks at MSU and eventually joined the official team and helped them wrestle their way into the semi-finals. They would have taken their whole division if it weren’t for a fatal accident caused by a rogue mastodon biting a teammate’s head off. The teammate being professional film star Ryan Gosling (the man you see on screen is only a phony) and also KP’s one true love, she not only coined the best Mortal Kombat finishing move ever, she murdered that dinosaur right there on the mat, earning her the nickname “total raptor” (apparently). Her genius brain took over and she decided to split her time equally between dino-wrestling and robot engineering. Which took her altercation-free to the middle of her senior year. Of course, robots are still somewhat of an inexact science, and when her robots cleaned out all the dinosaurs in East Lansing (the great extinction of 2003), it could only be concluded as inconclusive, unforeseen complications. And, one hell of a fight (who gave those robots Samurai swords? I know! Right?). Having now no one else to wrestle and a few implications in “destruction of property” cases back in the EL, KP was forced to graduate and move to Grand Rapids with me (Stef). She graduated from Lyman Briggs college mega cum laude and was dubbed “best rack at Harper’s” in addition to Total Raptor.

Since Grand Rapids is a conservative town, they did not take too well right away to her radical ideas in the advancement of robot building. So she got a job at Blockbuster video and watched every disc there 6,000 times apiece until she knew everything there is to ever know about movies and the actors that ruin them. She became an expert, a cinematic ninja with nothing to hide and nothing to fear and practically re-defined the term “fast-forward through until you get to a good part.” When it came time to audition for the role of Princess Amidala/Padme in George Lucas’s big budget colostomy bag Star Wars I, she nailed it so completely that she ended up losing the part to Natalie Portman who’s acting abilities and (fellatio abilities too, apparently) were better suited to the stink-tastic Hayden Christianson. KP remains on his payroll today for taking a back seat and turning him into a star. She takes no responsibility for the lives he’s personally ruined since then.

She has now turned her attention to a freewheelin,’ pants-free secondary career (she does the tape thing during the week) at Extreme Sports. You know, hang gliding, right water crafting, skateboarding, ceramics…

If you want to take KP on a date (and you should, she needs it) here are a few guidelines:
1) have a job, you dirty bum.
2) take her to dinner but remember she doesn’t do spicy or foreign, unless it’s Chinese and even then it can’t be spicy. Even a little. Do not flinch if she orders a whole pizza and then refers to you as “bitch” later when she tells you that she’ll have lunch for tomorrow too. She’s razor-sharp like that.
3) She likes to dance, but unlike most people, she drinks less when she’s nervous, so that’s not necessarily your best plan of attack. However, she isn’t averse to making out with you at the bar if you happen to catch up to her when she’s already half in the bag and happen to have an Abe Lincoln beard (caution: do not grow an Abe Lincoln beard. No matter who you are).
4) SHE LOVES TO SEE MOVIES AND THEN TALK ABOUT THE MOVIES SO NO SLEEPING DURING THE MOVIES. Got it?
5) She doesn’t even really have to like you much to at least go out with you once but you better bring your sharpest sword and most finely polished armor and be all ambitious and tell her that the tape factory is actually very interesting. Props to you if you actually do find the tape factory interesting. Again, no sleeping.
6) Argue with her, but don’t be a dick. And keep control of yourself. And when you see her slouch back into her seat and smile a little into the distance and mouth the words “oh my god” while she crosses her arms, drop it. I’m serious.
7) Follow Through. She ain’t easy, but she not the Rosetta Stone either for chrissakes.
8) Nerds are OK, but don’t be a baby. No sleeping.
9) She literally just admitted to me while I’m writing this that she has an inadequacy issue so even though she looks all smart and tall and stuff with the glasses and the vest, she’s actually very nice and it’s OK for you to go up and talk to her. She won’t bite your face off unless she thinks you’re an idiot. Which you might well be.
10) Bonus points if you’re foreign. And no pretending you’re Australian for six months either, she’s heard that one before.

Now she doesn’t exactly look like it, KP is actually a closet emo so if you are also a closet emo or weigh 130 soaking wet even though you’re 6’9” and wear tight pants and sports coats, please ask her out and tell her about how you want to be a dentist even though you don’t know anything about teeth and maybe show her your sweet scooter. Wear a scarf. Watch Paris, Je T’Aime. You’re one step closer to learning the secrets of KP. She’s really smart, I’m serious.