Ok so this is partly to keep the readers and writers on the same page when we’re in our respective roles, and partly to absolve any residual guilt I might have for enjoying these things and still creaming nerds anyway, then taking their lunch money but giving it back right before lunch, you know, not to steal it but just to prove a point. The point being, don’t fuck with me. Even though nerds don’t usually fuck with me anyway, they’re kind of indifferent. I like to make them aware of me and then not to fuck with me once they know…ok I’m done. Here are a few things that seem like they should be not awesome when they actually are (in no order):
• Parking validation- sure it may hinder your ability to storm out of your average ramp-requiring situation (ie: dentist’s office, children’s hospital, your PO’s) all in a huff right after you’ve scattered papers in the receptionist’s face and tipped over her entire jar of jellybeans on purpose, but hey, who wants to pay $8 for stupid parking?
• Spice World- I mean the movie, not the channel you perv. For a bunch of semi-talented, average-looking chubby-ish British chicks who don’t really sing all that great, “write” that great, or perform that great, the Spice Girls are ADORABLE and have somehow found a way to break the linear progression of this dimension and come full circle from completely terrible to totally awesome. Now that’s Girl Power! *See also Puffy AmiYumi
• The Cosby Show- yeah I know that it went off the air fifty years ago or something and now Vanessa’s doing fat-roebics on VH1, Rudy’s slutting it up in Chingy videos and Olivia has somehow become the Disney Channel’s only 37 year old ‘tween star, but damn I wish Dr. Huxtable was my dad, for real. Would it still be creepy to have a crush on Theo though?
• Star Wars- ever tried to build the death star out of Legos? Of course you have. Enough said.
• Rush- predecessors to math and nerd rock, home to the world’s best and most neurotic drummer and a singer who sounds like Alvin and the Chipmunks on acid, completely indistinguishable and untranslatable lyrics and a rhythm section that cannot be processed by most human brains, they bring to mind that old Hemingway question, who’s totally psyching who out, man?
• Ray-Ban’s- from Buddy Holly to Warhol and Dylan to Ringwald to emo to Old Navy, for being hideous, these things aren’t going anywhere. Good call, Beck.
• Slip-N-Slide - Awesome no matter how much weight you’ve actually gained since you were six. Still pain-tastic after all these years. Thanks, Kipp!
• Children’s books- even after all the chapter books I’ve read in my time, Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus, Frog and Toad Are Friends, and Diary of a Wimpy Kid (rules!) are surprisingly funny. You go Greg Heffley!
• Lost- I really didn’t even want to admit to this one, but I was actually putting my shoes on to leave when D-Rock started watching the DVD’s and I cancelled my plans for the whole weekend to watch this shit. Seriously. Causing a rift in the space-time continuum? Stop fucking with us, Desmond!
• Finnish rock superstars LORDI- straight-up cheese rock made even cheesier by their awkward, English-ish lyrics, Gwar-type costumes, and 2006 EuroVision award, these guys are bringing back the balls to rock for real. If Iron Maiden and DethKlok had a baby it would be ugly as sin and sound like Lordi. Youtube “Hard Rock Hallelujah.” Zombie cheerleaders? Awesome!M
• Metalocalypse- rarely does one come across a parody band that actually kicks real, tangible ass like Cartoon Network’s DethKlok. For being a cartoon spoof, they’re more metal than most actual metal out there. Think Tenacious D only WAY MORE BRUTAL. In the words of Nathan Explosion, “We found out we could just, you know, buy psychological validation. So you’re fired.”
• Bullet Points- (and numbering, KP loves the numbering)
• Yesterdog- hot dogs are the grossest of all food groups anyway and these ones especially look like they’re covered in baby vomit but I’ll be damned if they aren’t the best tasting food in all of Grand Rapids.
• Mika- well-bred London boy, classically trained in piano, lovely singing voice and flamboyant taste. I’ll break it down: Red Bull + jelly doughnut + Freddy Mercury + fat chicks + amphetamines + the Scissor Sisters + NoDoz = Mika. He is the cure for emo. Sounds like it should suck, right? My point exactly! (KP’s favorite lyrics include: “I said sucking too hard on your lollipop Oh, loves gonna get you down” and “Diet coke and a pizza please Diet coke I'm on my knees screamin, Big girls you are beautiful”)
• Clowns and magic tricks- but I’m still kind of on the fence about this one… (KP: I’m not…seriously what’s more awesome that a dude dressed up in all the colors of the rainbow, with paint on his face, making little doggies out of something phallic looking that he blew up. I love balloon animals!)
• Insect Violence - Fuck bees. I’ll punch a bee in the face. (Spiders are arachnids and, being deathly afraid of spiders, Stef will not come within ten feet of a spider, let alone punch it in the face, but I, KP, totally will, cause I enjoy punching things in the face)
• Alice Cooper- the guy is like 100 years old and a Christian, republican semi-pro golfer in Scottsdale AZ and he still hasn’t sold out. Even I can’t explain that one. Rock on, man. Buy the album Trash if you don’t believe me. (KP: The first time I saw Alice Cooper is concert, I was skeptical, I though he would have to be wheeled out in a wheelchair, but after he guillotined himself on stage I knew I was a fan for LIFE!)
• Herb Alpert’s Tijuana Brass- how the hell was this stuff ever popular? I know that no one likes to think about their parents getting laid, but unless your mom and dad were Tawny Kitaen and David Coverdale, you were more than likely conceived to one of these songs.
• The Coreys- no not now, please pretend they never made that reality show. I mean the Coreys from 1982. Seriously, didn’t Stephenie Meyers see Lost Boys? Those vampires were sweet. Why can’t Feldman revive himself with a little class like Neal Patrick Harris? Frog rules!! Lost Boys II! Oh… wait…
• Meg White- she doesn’t sing for shit, she doesn’t really have anything to say, and she hardly has to play the drums at all. Yeah, but she’s just so cool. Then she turns up in rehab for “anxiety.” How can I compete with that??
• Karaoke- possibly nothing makes less sense but is more beautiful in the whole world than expressing your emotion through somebody else’s songs. That Charlie Rich has nothing on you.
• Mortal Kombat- the more buttons they add, the more cool shit you can do on accident while you’re just jamming your fingers together and then saying “I totally did that on purpose, I got the code online.” Finish him!
• The Dirt by Motley Crue- I probably told you about this before, but they all tell chapters of their life stories in their own voices, dude. Mick is on another planet, Tommy is a hugably, adorable, little wife-beater, Nikki is unbelievably cognizant considering he was legally dead for eight minutes, and Vince is (surprise!) kind of an asshole. I didn’t want it to end. I stopped reading Brothers Karamazov to read this book. Either Neil Strauss is truly a literary genius, or these guys are the most loveable anti-heroes of all time. What up, Marvel? Where’s the comic already? (KP: I just read that they are making this into a movie, with *gasp* Val Kilmer as David Lee Roth and Christopher Walken as Ozzy. SHUT UP!!)
• The Dice Man- so I just watched the Adventures of Ford Fairlane for the first time (yes, Bubba!). Again, if you pretend the reality show didn’t ever exist, unbelievable!
• Leg Warmers- yes huh they’re cool, I wear them all the time. They look good with heels, flops, and low-top AllStars. Still don’t believe me? Ask Tiffany when you think you’re alone now. (KP: It’s true, and Stef pulls them off all year long, 12 feet of snow on the ground and you want to wear a skirt? Leg warmers! Everywhere we go, people are like, “Hey cool socks!”).
• Calling in sick when you’re not really sick- yeah I know it’s a shitty thing to do, but especially when it’s sunny and nice outside, work is a shitty place to be. Trust me, they’ll get over it. (KP: Other acceptable reasons include: Redwings Parade, not feeling like it, and just because)
• Anthony Bourdain- both his books and No Reservations on the Travel Channel.
Stef holding up a No Reservations DVD, “I’m going to marry him someday. Do you think we make a good couple?” Guy from the library “dude, how old is that guy?” It doesn’t matter how old he is, he could be seventy-five and he’ll still be the voice of our generation, only with the liberty to do and eat way more cooler stuff. This man is the definition of “living the dream” and he still has the gumption to complain about being on TV and in Nairobi eating beetles and intestine all the time. I love you, Anthony Bourdain.
• Tape - Duct tape, packing tape, electrical tape, double sided tape, gaffers tape. Every color, every size, everything you could ever need. It's there for you! Also, when I spend the day discussing the ways to adhere a 200 pound man to a wall upside down, without velcro, you cannot tell me that's not awesome!
That’s enough for now, but I know you’ve got a couple to add, so you know, message us back! I can’t tell you how much we love messages, even if they are self-inflated, over analytical, and rude.(KP: Those are my favorite,!) Holla back, yo! Tell me some things that people wouldn’t think were awesome but are actually awesome.
4 comments:
OK, so while this is a long blog, you guys did a nice job separating things so I didn't just skip to the end.
I still skipped through most of it and only read what looked like it might interest me, but at least I got the gist of what you were going for.
This is unlike the 2 blogs that come after this (chronologically). Way too long with no breaks. I don't even know what they were about and I don't care. Too much reading. In fact, I'm going to prove to you how if you go on with really long sentences in paragraphs that never fucking end it becomes very hard for the average "I only have three minutes to read this but your blog is so long I have chosen to give up" Joe. Have I made my overly adjectivised long winded but moderately funny (but not funny enough to keep anyone's interest for 15 pages funny) point yet? If not, let me go on with this analogy: You two girls, who have more to say than the average college age girls, choose to drive to some place in Kansas. Clever, right, since I know you just went there. That said, you hop in your sporty little car, grab some tunes, some cancer sticks and some "corns" which are apparently short for "candy corns" but I don't understand that since "corn" is already a plural noun, and your mad libs. Don't forget the mad libs. Hey, are you still reading this because virtually everyone else stopped after the second sentence when they saw no point in continuing their reading because this isn't going anywhere and by skipping to the next paragraph which is shorter, and quick with the wit, they can go on being happy in their CNN and Fox News 13 second attention span lives.
I think you get it now.
'Nuff said. The Bubba has spoken.
Oh Bubba you're so sexy when you're trying to make a point. Your suggestion is noted and it will be taken before the Polish Princess and discussed.
For KP-Don't be nice to him when he does shit like this.
Bubbs- Love you! Hugs and kisses! we're only trying to model this lame little bloggie after your perfect blog which is always no less than amazing, wildly entertaining, and virtually error-less every time you post. You are a genius virtuoso, and I really can't believe that they haven't picked you up for a novel yet. How is Cormack McCarthy, anyway?
Don't know how old C-Mac is doing. He got all snooty after his book got made into that academy award winning movie and shit.
Thinks he's all Hollywood even though he's so totally Rhode Island.
Chuckle heads. Every one of 'em.
'Nuff said. The Bubba has spoken.
Post a Comment