"Your answer is buck. Well, that must be your wager, so let's check your answer, futter. Hmmm, buck futter. I don't get it."

OK so now that I’m all graduated and shit (mostly, anyway…), I would like to drop a little knowledge on you guys. I also want to know a little bit more about all of our readers for catalogue and compatibility purposes (shut up, dick, there are more readers than it looks like. Respond! It’s so easy!). After all, the countdown has started to WatchTheDogShow,DrinkTooMuchWildTurkey,AndTryNotToKillYourself Day is underway, and mama wants a date this year!
Here’s a quick list of my turn-ons:
1) Face/chest hair
2) Power tools
3) Plaid
4) 2 cans of Miller Light
5) Monster trucks
6) Sports
7) The analogical argument
8) Karate

There are so many more, not to mention the ultimate aphrodisiac: dirtball, shredding, ass-grinding rock & roll. Cock rock. Works every time. Wow, that was shameless. Anyway, in order to learn a little more about you guys, and maybe for you guys to, in turn, learn a little about yourselves, we at TshirtSizeAwesome have devised a little personality test for you to take, you know, so we can all pinpoint for sure why you’re not as cool as Chuck. Man, that guy rules. Here goes (you might want paper or a napkin or something):

1) You’re walking down a long hallway and come to a fork. Do you:
a) go left toward the bright lights and animal noises
b) go right toward the creaking door and ominous calliope music
c) step over it and continue down the hall

2) If your uncle was on fire, would you blow him out?
a) yes
b) no
c) depends on which uncle

3) Pandas or Koalas?
a) Pandas, totally
b) Koalas, totally
c) Mike Ditka, totally

4) You’re playing live stand-in for Ted Nugent’s band at the Pantheon during a thunderstorm while the pope is in town. What guitar do you use?
a) ’64 Telecaster with a double G and pink foil
b) Gibson vintage with whammy bar and snakeskin graphics
c) Sharkmaster 99 with triple chord pickups and testicles hanging from the fretboard


5) Which ingredient does not belong in a cake?
a) butter
b) sugar
c) woodchips

6) Which type of wood goes in Budweiser’s fermenting tanks to give it that fiber-y taste that is so appealing to hillbillies?
a) beechwood
b) cedar
c) morning

7) your friends have nicknames like:
a) Biff, Speedy, Wanker
b) Johnson, Jones, VanHelsing
c) Jimmy Steve, Jimmy Joe, Jimmy Jim

8) You’re at a Subway. You get
a) Meatballs with salt, pepper, and extra Parmesan
b) Club with lettuce, tomatoes, and peppers
c) On the subway

9) The train leaves station “A” going 75 miles per hour heading north/northwest. A different train leaves station “B” heading somewhere else completely.
a) Is it going to Boston? I like Boston and I’d like some chowder, yo.
b) Need more info. I didn’t go through eight years of evil medical school to be called “Mister”, thank you.
c) What?

10) Who would win in a fight between George Bush and George Foreman?
a) fair or prison rules?
b) Which one has the tank?
c) Mike Ditka

11) What is the first thing you always pack on every trip you take to Reno?
a) credit card and gun
b) leather bustier, chaps, and gun
c) burrito and gun

12) If you were walking down a beach and found a magic jinni, you’d wish for:
a) cold, hard, cash so you can buy Ryan Seacrest
b) a really sweet coffee pot
c) taco flavored lip gloss
d) that you didn’t just waste all this time on this personality test.


OK now for the scoring:
Mostly A’s: Robot. You are a robot from the future so don’t worry when the real robots take over, because you’ll be straight. I hope you like staples!

Mostly B’s: Dinosaur. You are a dinosaur, but one of those cool ones with the big plates on their backs and cool horns and stuff. With a grenade launcher, you’ve got a little rebel left in you. Robots or the possibility of another ice age? Bring it on!

Mostly C’s: Margarita. You are a margarita and margaritas are delicious. Whether or not you are blended or on the rocks is purely left to fate. Stick it to the man! Learn a few dirty words in Spanish, Punto!

Mostly D’s: Yeah but you can’t, jerkface. Ha!