Is it safe for me to go ahead and say that pancakes are the shit? ‘cause pancakes are the shit. The balls. Pancakes freakin’ rule. I like ‘em crispy a little around the edges with a whole bunch of melty butter and syrup. Maple. Classic. Whatever. I like ‘em with a little bit of bacon, you know, on the side maybe, or (gasp!) blueberries. Oh yes, right in there. Get ‘em in there. Hell yeah. You can do things with a pancake that you can never do with a prostitute even. You can dress ‘em up however you can imagine, from the depths of your black black heart they will be delicious. I bet even pancakes and tuna would be delicious. Or Steak. Tuna and steak.
Ok that was the creepiest paragraph about pancakes I’ve ever written (and that’s me personally, you remember when they released the secret journals of Paulie McPaulski, the ‘breakfast butcher’ shortly after his death by firing squad a few years ago? Now that guy was fucked up) but they are really good. And being so close to both downtown and Eastown like we are, we’re within waddling distance of some of the best breakfast joints in Michigan (and yes, I’ve eaten at every single one and still weigh less than 150. ohmygod I need to go puke) wanna come with? Cool. Here are a few reasons to get your lazy, unwashed ass out of bed and give a pancake a little love:
1) you could probably do that seriously, in a pinch
2) inevitable grease breakfast really is the best hangover cure (put the McMuffin down!)
3) if you’re anything like me, you’ll no doubt have some John in bed with you who wakes up not really remembering who you are or where he is, and thereby feels obligated to pay for said breakfast out of guilt for taking advantage of you and then a little self-pity for not being able to originally close the deal with KP instead.
4) Pancakes, butter, hash browns, sausage patties, chorizo, corned beef hash, and beautiful bacon are all proven mood enhancers, so go ahead, eat the pain away.
5) Mornings suck, except for breakfast. In fact, if you go to breakfast around ten am with that whiny emo girl from down the street and forget your sunglasses even though you made a point to walk there and order a garlic-and-holy-water omelet, you can finally prove that you’re not a vampire and she’ll let it go, already. Jeez.
6) Provides decent, neutral ground for mutually piecing together the events of the previous evening with your equally chemically abusive friends (holy shit, dude! I really don’t like you like that, I swear!).
Here are a few joints in the greater Eastown/East Hills area that are worth the drive for some serious morning grindage, if you’re not cool enough to walk there:
Wolfgang’s. Lake Drive and Wealthy. Grand Rapids staple when it comes to breakfast. We have to start with this guy. Matt Wolfgang owns the place and upon entry your first impression is that he is completely, obsessively in love with himself. This is true, but he really does do the beast breakfast in town, so his narcissism isn’t completely unfounded. They serve anything from portabella-feta-hollandaise-capers*-type artisan breakfast to your traditional eggs-and-bacons and you literally can’t go wrong with any of them. Their omelets are the same size as a newborn baby and the Mahoney Cakes are so sticky and covered with bliss that you’ll think for a minute that the waitress is trying to either murder you or proposition you. Do not misread her when she asks if you want more coffee, they’re trained to come around about 35 times an hour to make sure you don’t need a ‘warm-up’ or ‘refill’ or whatever. Semi-comfortable atmosphere, good service usually, smoking or non, under $10, but be sure to either get there early or plan on waiting because (especially on weekends) the place gets really crowded. Really. It does. We recommend the J.B. Combo with scrambled and patties or if you’re really into suicide, the Westsider with onions. It will Cliff Clavin your ass for sure. Get the English muffin toast; it’s the sexiest piece of toast in the whole town. Hell yeah.
Brandywine. Lake and Robinson. If Wolfgang’s is too busy and you’re starving more than the entire country of India and you just. Can’t. wait. You giant baby, Brandywine is just down the street and offers some breakfast deliciousness of their own. The dining room is a bit more comfortable and artsy (one whole wall is a sweet Matisse mural), and the owners (thankfully) haven’t plastered the place in pictures of themselves like at Wolfgang’s. In fact, they have a wall covered with pictures of loyal customers instead, lending a cozy, friendly, non self-adoring atmosphere, and their English muffin toast is also delicious. In addition to breakfast, which is mostly of the rustic-home-fries-salsa-skillet-with-tons-of-meat-and-sprouts variety, they’ve got a full menu of food for other times of the day as well, so stop in there any time for some greasy hippy spoon love. I like the herb chicken omelet with broccoli myself, but their pancakes are gigantic and delicious too. Try the cinnamon knots (which Brandywine is famous for) and anything with the word “skillet” in it. Under or about $10.
Gaia. Cherry and Diamond. This place is the quintessential hippie vegan establishment and has all the charm to boot. It’s been open for years and years and despite all the pretense and notable absence of requisite a.m. pork products is actually really f-ing good. They know what they’re doing. The serve-yourself coffee and tea counter offers almost any non-carbonated beverage (no Coke!) and they use lots of ginger in the things they cook for a kind-of spicy, pleasurable tingle. The plates tend to resemble giant (big portions, yo) compost piles covered with a tarp of melted cheese but the taste is awesome and unique and surprisingly un-boring even for vegetarian. They are also particularly skilled bakers so get a cookie or some of their amazing corn bread to soak up all the non-greasy, totally vegan magic juice from the bottom of the plate. Take your mom or your snobby North Face hippy girlfriend here to really impress them and show them that you’re not a) as closed minded and un-hip as they constantly accuse you of being, and b) don’t turn into a sniveling giant baby if there is no bacon. The food is all pretty similar but I recommend the veggie hash and corn bread, and any of their juices (order the suicide juice) are fresh-squeezed and full of love. The atmosphere can only be described as bohemian and totally unique. Under $10.
Cheri Inn. Across Cherry from Gaia. Traditional breakfast in the cutest little joint out there. If you’re looking for a good flapjack, they make one of the best in town. They keep strange hours and the dining room is very small but if Wolfgang’s and Brandywine are both packed, duck in here and let them surprise you. Also if you’re putting on airs at Gaia and you need your bacon fix, slip in because their bacon is peppered and GOOD. Older crowd, but only six people in town even know that the Cheri Inn is there so chances are good you’ll find a seat. I recommend the brioche and black coffee. C’est bon (that’s French for “learn French”)! Definitely under $10.
Marie Catrib. Across Lake from Gaia and Cherry from Cheri Inn. Delicious, fancy, artisan breakfast served in a kitschy, comfortable, adorable environment. These people take cooking seriously, for real. They make everything from scratch and feature a menu of interesting and clever breakfasts from over-the-top-sweetness cinnamon roll French toast to spicy, magical chorizo scrambled eggs (totally, honestly, good) and anything in between including vegetarian, worldly, and of course, pancakes. They use local produce and meat, so don’t always expect all the food to look or taste the same, but do expect top quality. I don’t really know how to explain the food other than whatever you pick will be complicated and delicious so please order something besides two-eggs-and-toast. I recommend the chorizo (I can’t remember what it’s called) eggs and home fries, and anything from their bakery. Also open for lunch and dinner but like Wolfgang’s, this place gets pretty crowded so be there early or don’t gripe when you have to wait. Local artist REB did the inside so the dining room is eclectic and cool. Good service. Not necessarily under $10.
Schnitz Bakery and Breakfast. Fulton and Fuller. The breakfast joint just opened not too long ago but the bakery has been there for years. This place is a little different from your traditional breakfast establishment because almost everything on the menu is served in sandwich form. This makes it perfect for on the way to work, on a hike, or protection in case you need to throw it at some bum from the liquor store next door. Also, the food here is REALLY REALLY GOOD. You can’t go wrong. The fact that all your breakfast favorites are tucked lovingly into some sort of sandwich makes it more exciting and the fact that foremost Schnitz is a bakery makes the bread killer too. All sandwiches are served with latkes (potato pancake) and sour cream and all of them are like $5 and under, making it the most affordable breakfast providence around. The coffee is slightly weak and if that doesn’t please you, or if you’re one of those fat guys who like to wash down your bacon sandwich with donuts and muffins and tiny candy bars instead, Common Ground Coffeehouse is right next door and they have ten kinds of free-trade coffees brewing all the time, so there. Get the strawberry French toast sandwich and elect to eat outside so the sun can shine on your face. So beautiful, you’ll want to get the adorable little eggs-n-bacon man on their sign tattooed on your shoulder, but please ask them first because it might be trademarked.
That ought to get you started, chubby. Deserving honorable mention (and outside the three mile radius of the breakfast belt) are the Grand Coney on Michigan, the Ritz Coney on Ionia, and the Garden Room café all the way out on 28th and Breton. When it comes to the best cakes in town, #1, el jefe (Spanish for “learn Spanish”), this place has them. If you have any more questions on the Garden Room café or any of the other establishments listed here today, please leave a post on this blog, or quit being so goddamn lazy and call them yourself. We’ll probably be at Wolfgang’s or Brandywine this Sunday after Bubba’s party, so we’ll see you there!
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