Ode to Beards

The T Shirt Size Awesome Ode to Beards (except this one won’t rhyme all the way through, I promise, I’ll try and avoid it I will, honest).

The beard. The luxuriant, multi-textured, ever evolving piece of chin majesty. The maker and destroyer of worlds, the ultimate symbol of machismo, the pleasant face-chapper of any lucky enough to make out with a guy with a good one. Man, these things kick ass. More than just an accoutrement, more than decoration, more than a sign of laziness, the beard has throughout the centuries been a great power-harnesser and protector, source of earthy wisdom and major bad assiness.

A man with a beard is so much more than a regular man, a grown-up boy, a pre-pubescent dummy praying and massaging his face so he’ll look old enough to buy a beer. A bearded man understands his carnal essence, and lets it grow and flourish all over his face (exception: the sculpted chin-strap face-necklace popularized by the Backstreet Boys’ AJ McLean, who was somehow the hottest one anyway…?). Be it a long and scruffy one or a patchy, blonde attempt at greatness, the male beard says not only that you’re a physical force to be reckoned with, but also an intellectual prizefighter, only with humility to boot. Either that, or you’re a homeless guy. Or a lumberjack. Or just really grizzled.

Now I’m not talking about that carefully cultivated vagina chin soul patch thing that Brandon Inge refuses to re-grow, I’m talking about the beard in the biblical sense. A full-on face full of man hair that starts with the chops and ends with some delicious baby running her manicured nails through it admiringly, purring about how she so likes her men strong. Case in point:
Famous beards in history (no particular order):

Rasputin Bob Seger
Walt Whitman Bea Arthur
Mellville Crockett
Santa Clause Mr. T
Abe Lincoln Jesus
DaVinci Dave Grohl (who is an allstar, his is great)
Moses Zeus, Thor, Ra, that troll guy from Lord of the Rings
Dumbledore Brett Favre
ZZ Top Blackbeard (duh)
Julius Cesar Paul Bunyon
Obi Wan Kenobi Papa Smurf
King Arthur Kenny Rogers (both)

All under an undeniable protection, all cultivating an unequivocal source of power. So what, women can have babies and daintiness and wit, men can grow beards. Damn. I’ve been trying to grow one for years. I got nothing. Thinking about giving it a shot yourself? Thinking about finally growing that bitch to everything Chuck Norris ever wanted it to be? Who says you have to look like Chow Yun Fat to be a martial arts master anyway? Ha! Here are a few variations to try on before committing to a format:


The Full Frontal
The Fu-Man-Chu
Goatee (chin pubes)
Soul Patch
The Santa Clause (manicured, loooong)
The Biker (looooong, wild)
The William Shakespeare (also known as the Scaramouche)
The Hulkster (more like a wicked handle-bar moustache, also see American Chopper)
The Yahweh (full frontal paired with long hair)
The Chin Strap (you be careful with this one, most cases it will loose you street cred, unless you’re Abraham Lincoln or Amish)
Bad-Ass Chops
The Custer
The moustache/soul patch combo (I’m not sure what this is called)
The Uni-Brow (reverse beard)

There are many more, so don’t be afraid to get a little creative, and be sure to let us know if you come up with anything sweet in the meantime. Check this guy out (http://www.dyers.org/blog/beards/beard-types/). He's spent years achieving every type of beard known to man. Thanks Nathan Explosion.

At this time I would like to give special credit, a T Shirt Size Awesome version of a standing ovation (if you will), to the Playoff Beard. (To see the beards in action, check http://www.playoffbeard.com/ ) This is the best possible type of beard. Started as a tradition by cave people and wooly mammoths during the formative years of the NHL, superstition prevents players from shaving until they get knocked out of the post season by the Detroit Red Wings and are forced to end the season with a good, old-fashioned shut out (ooh, Avalanche, sorry guys) and leave the arena with bowed heads and baby-soft chins. The Playoff Beard is not for sissies and only seasoned fans are encouraged to attempt one. I’d recommend even learning some hockey beard fun facts and stats so nobody can call you out. Ladies, if you’re looking for a picture of facial-hair excellence, look no farther than the Detroit bench. Now that’s team spirit! They glow like a force field to protect them from losing. Keep working on it Sidney Crosby, growing a beard will be much easier once you’ve hit puberty. Until then, try to sleep even though the faces of Kromwell and Holmstrom haunt your nightmares, buddy.

Even James Bond had a beard in that sweet one with the diamond-face guy and the invisible car, right after he got released from the North Korean prison where he was tortured for fourteen months straight and still didn’t give up any secrets because his brain was protected from the scorpion venom and vicious beatings by one hellacious beard. And don’t even get me started on the beard’s impact on rock n’ roll. Everyone from Lemmy to Elton John’s rocked that shit. Just ask Leon Russell how his beard is working out, it will form a fist and clean your clock because he’s too busy getting felached by a bunch of Miami Heat Cheerleaders. Yeah. Qui es mas macho? That’s what I thought.

To check out some cool beards around town, see (in season, of course) the Griffin’s bench, that Beard Core guy from Gardella’s, any patron taking advantage of the $2.50 pitcher special at the Meanwhile, Shaggy (if he ever comes back), or the statue of John Ball at the zoo. Maybe even take up a collection of photos. Take time to talk to the beards and hear their stories. It’s inspirational. Be on the lookout for a coffee table book or calendar or something in time for the holidays. And seriously, give the ladies a shot sporting a beard, we’re helpless against their power, just ask Colin Farrell. Just think of a door and it will open for you.

Where do you think the word beer came from, anyway? The German word for beer is “bier” which is clearly a derivative of “bierdenmeister” which is German for bearded master. Look that shit up. Also see the skeleton of the fiercest of all animals, the Beardosaurus Rex, and also the terror of the seas, the Great White-Bearded Shark. Even Bear Gryllis at the bottom of a can of Red Bull couldn’t take one of these bastards on. Even with MacGuyver’s help. Or a gun. Here are a few words that rhyme with “beard” just in case you’re thinking up an ode of your own, and kind of to prove a point:

Reveared
Engineered
Speared
Weird
Feared
Smeared
Cleared
Sexy

So Beard me up, Scotty, to beard, or not to beard? Oh warr-r-r-r-riors, come out and shaa-a-a-a-ve. Never! Think pirates! Think lumberjacks! Anything you’ve ever seen in your life that was tough-guy, kick-ass, or “totally awesome” was brought to you in some way by a beard! Come on and grow one, Nancy! Then let me or KP make out with you by the merchandise table at a rock show. I don’t want to hear any pink-panty song about “mine grows in all funny”. Does not. Now stop crying. The only reason Sinatra never had one was because his beard hairs were too terrified of him to show up. Either that or they were too drunk. Or maybe his beard was in reality so amazingly beautiful that it couldn’t be handled by most human eyes. And a great big thank you to all the guys out there currently rocking one, even though it’s getting warmer out there and pretty soon it will really be summer. Thanks for fighting the good fight, brothers.