Bar Guide

The Official TShirtSize:Awesome Bar Guide

Let’s face it kids, if it weren’t for the bars, we’d have nothing to do around here at night than make up homework assignments, write silly, self indulgent blogs, and refer to playing video games as “band practice.” Come on now. This guide will hopefully help some of you find a place to develop your malnutritioned social skills, some of you drink on the cheap, some of you even get laid maybe. Pay attention*.

Come Friday and Saturday night, bar awesomeness can be quite a crap-shoot. It’s guaranteed that there will be a line, cover charge, and at least one drunk D-Bag wearing sunglasses inside almost everywhere downtown, so on the weekends it usually isn’t a bad idea to venture into new territories. Unless you want to try to do a wasted (like barf on your upholstery, crying over some other guy, wanting you to meet her mom wasted) GVSU student, I’d avoid the big ones.

For weekends (if there aren’t any concerts), I’d personally recommend an impromptu jukebox-hogging shuffle around the little-frequented gems on the Grand Rapids Westside. Putt-Putt’s, Joey’s, the Flamingo, the Holiday, Triangle, Monarch, Kale’s Korner, Kuzzins, etc. (bonus points if you have an in at one of the Halls). These are the places where the bikers, townies, hoboes, and off-duty cops meet to slam beer out of cans, shoot pool, and (if you’re really lucky) rock a little karaoke. They don’t give a shit what the dress code is, they don’t give a shit about what you ordered, they don’t even care if you’re underage, near as I can tell. You can get totally schnakered, crack an inappropriate gun joke to a Law Enforcement Officer, make out with somebody else’s mom/dad, and whine your put-out sober friend into driving you home (take the way past McDonalds, dude!), all for like $12.50. This is the plan, if you’re the up-for-anything type.

I’m thinking something like Official TShirtSize:Awesome Westside Scavenger Hunt 2008 this summer maybe? I’ll keep you posted.

*The exception to this generally is Eastown. There is ALWAYS something going on in Eastown. Get your blues/hip hop/rock n’ roll/DJ/80’s on at Billy’s Lounge. Get your nose broken at Mulligan’s. Come see me and KP at the Meanwhile. Have a bottle of Old Style. Bring your friends.

Weekdays are a whole different barrel of fish and monkeys. Feel free to add as you see fit, if you happen to know of some cool goings on that we haven’t heard of. Which are none, but go ahead and try. Here’s the schedule for weekdays*:

Monday- Open Mic night at Billy’s Lounge. $2 microbrews, eclectic local talent, a guy who sings a song about why you should come fuck the manatee (only 25 cents!). NOTE: this is an open mic night meaning there aren’t any auditions or rehearsals or anything, so please make sure in advance that the act you’re watching is actually a comedy act before laughing at them.

Tuesday- O’Toole’s Pub (kind of Westside, but not really). $1 pints of Bud Light and Labatt Blue, cheap appetizers, peanut shells, Jim (what up?), Connect Four. Bring people with you ‘cause it’s a little snooty. I think the special ends at eleven. Also apparently at Monte’s next door there is karaoke with a live band and additional drink cheapness. Get all lubed up with the engineers at O’Toole’s and get out there, you sound just like Pat Benetar, I swear (I have never been to Monte’s for Rockstar Karaoke, so I won’t say whether or not its cool).

Wednesday- J. Gardella’s Tavern downtown. ½ off whatever you like until 11, cheap food, the dirty, smoky, impossibly hip basement. Lots of rock music and girl jeans, more than likely somebody you know from the neighborhood, (in season) the Grand Rapids Griffins and their relentless army of whores. Maybe even one of the few Douglas J students who are of age, but I’m not making any promises. Plus, $2 wine night at the Meanwhile. Mmm…discount wine…

Thursday- the Drink Ultra Lounge downtown. Totally 80’s night. $1 Old Style, Highlife (the champagne of beers), PBR, awesome haircuts, DJ Jeff Leppard (he only sounds like a douche because he is, but he has his moments and plays other Violent Femmes songs besides that one). Don’t show up until 11 at the earliest. Dance like a total maniac with all your favorite cross-dressers and 80’s night disciples from all over town. Watch awesome 80’s footage and music videos from an entirely happier (and more asexually eyeliner-d) time. Try to confirm once-and-for-all if that Dee-Lite song really was 80’s or 90’s (I think 90’s). Hang out with some of your fancy new friends from Wednesday night. If you’re not down for the 80’s like us, check out Mulligan’s for Thirsty Thursdays. Sweet drink specials and the bartenders like to make their drinks strong which is a welcome change.

Sunday- currently under investigation because we hear that they’re not doing Reganomics anymore, and that was hands-down the best 80’s night ever. Best bar night ever, even though we all have to work Monday mornings like a bunch of lame-asses. So what? BRING IT BACK! Knock off all that stupid “favorites from the 70’s 80’s and 90’s” business. $1 Old Styles and Mystery Shots all night (unless they changed that too). Hell, call up Jeff Leppard. You know he’s not busy.


If you’re on a date, or these places don’t suit you, or if you’ve been banned or have peanut allergies or an over-sensitive palette or something, get a little classy at Hop Cat downtown. This place is chill every night of the week. They have like 100 different beers on tap from microbrews (especially Michigan) all over the world, including some of our favorites from Breckenridge, Bell’s, New Holland, Rogue, and Delirium. Toned down ambiance complete with eclectic artwork, fancy brass, and a neat smoking lounge upstairs. This is as close to magic as it gets for beer snobs, so save yourself the embarrassment of ordering a Bud Light and drink Warsteiner like a real man. Plus, they change their cask every Wednesday, and are always organizing beer tours and festivals and stuff. Their servers are mostly foxes, and their Crack Fries are awesome.

For those needing a cosier environment, I suggest checking out Graydon’s Crossing on Plainfield. With deep, high backed booths, amazingly presented Irish food, and an eclectic array of beer and wine, it’s definitely the place to go if you want to impress the ladies. Plus, once the weather warms up, you can head out to the patio and sit under some elegantly placed vines and lights.

Also worth checking out any old time: Founder’s if you like live music, River City Slim’s if you can find it (seriously, ‘cause I can’t, and I want to know what it’s like), Z’s if you like sports, and the Meanwhile if you like sharks.

*All subject to change if the Wings are playing.

Our Personal mission here at TShirtSize:Awesome is not only to keep you all cool despite all odds, but to prevent the spreading of the disease called LumpySadSackery and get Gogol Bordello to play the Intersection. We need to show them that Grand Rapids can be fun despite all the Dutch People (you know what I’m talking about). How are we going to do that if we’re all a bunch of griping, yawning, crybaby go-to-bed-early pantywaists? If booze isn’t your thing get out and see a show, go dancing, get a cause, play Frisbee golf, walk your puppy, drink a Redbull. Anything? How about now?