Man, all the sweet things that have been happening to us!
This past weekend has been crazy! Intense! Awesome! But since everything on our itinerary included VIP passes bottle service, and Blender Magazine photographers (could you believe that the guys from Maroon 5 are really big jerks? Man, I did not see that coming!), I’m sure we didn’t see any of you there so I’ll instead fill this space with a list of things that would be cooler if they had karate:
1) Grand Rapids district court
2) The Golden Girls
3) Waiting in line at the Post Office/Bank/Unemployment Office/Hot Dog Stand
4) Working (unless you are Stephen Segal, and if you are I’m sorry I offended you sir, nothing could make you cooler than you already are)
5) Punctuation, bitch!
6) Soccer, that shit is so lame
7) Karaoke
8) Tigers
9) Spontaneous song and dance numbers
10) Oil changes
11) Life coaches
12) Mike Ditka
13) Dunkin Doughnuts
14) My furniture, for their deathmatch with my appliances (I’ve got my money on the stove)
15) The Jonas Brothers (what do they actually do, anyway?)
16) Tacos
17) First dates
18) An army of antsy first graders with stomachs full of Fruit By The Foot and a Boom Box full of Billy Idol
19) A gorilla with a shark strapped to it’s back, wearing a pit bull codpiece
20) Barack Obama (can you smell what Barack is cookin?)
Feel free to expand on this list. Now, here is a list of things that wouldn’t necessarily be any cooler with karate:
1) Karate
Just give it a try sometimes, you know, a little karate. Do a little chop next time some idiot asks you who’s playing in the hockey game you’re watching. Give em a little choppie next time somebody tells you that they really love books but don’t actually read them. Chopparoo next time somebody tells you they’re not gay eleven times in ten minutes, or attempts to insult you with a “hey, the eighties called, they want their glasses/loafers/piano key necktie back.” Anytime you see a tribal tat or some douche who thinks he’s being funny by cutting his hair into a mullet. By inserting something so simple*, elegant, and more indiscrete than punching him/her in the face, you’ll be letting them know not only that they suck, but also not to get their suckiness on you because you know karate, sucker.
*for a similar effect without actual contact, also see the head-fake. If you’re not familiar, see YouTube, Mark the Goalie, or any Master P video.
This past weekend has been crazy! Intense! Awesome! But since everything on our itinerary included VIP passes bottle service, and Blender Magazine photographers (could you believe that the guys from Maroon 5 are really big jerks? Man, I did not see that coming!), I’m sure we didn’t see any of you there so I’ll instead fill this space with a list of things that would be cooler if they had karate:
1) Grand Rapids district court
2) The Golden Girls
3) Waiting in line at the Post Office/Bank/Unemployment Office/Hot Dog Stand
4) Working (unless you are Stephen Segal, and if you are I’m sorry I offended you sir, nothing could make you cooler than you already are)
5) Punctuation, bitch!
6) Soccer, that shit is so lame
7) Karaoke
8) Tigers
9) Spontaneous song and dance numbers
10) Oil changes
11) Life coaches
12) Mike Ditka
13) Dunkin Doughnuts
14) My furniture, for their deathmatch with my appliances (I’ve got my money on the stove)
15) The Jonas Brothers (what do they actually do, anyway?)
16) Tacos
17) First dates
18) An army of antsy first graders with stomachs full of Fruit By The Foot and a Boom Box full of Billy Idol
19) A gorilla with a shark strapped to it’s back, wearing a pit bull codpiece
20) Barack Obama (can you smell what Barack is cookin?)
Feel free to expand on this list. Now, here is a list of things that wouldn’t necessarily be any cooler with karate:
1) Karate
Just give it a try sometimes, you know, a little karate. Do a little chop next time some idiot asks you who’s playing in the hockey game you’re watching. Give em a little choppie next time somebody tells you that they really love books but don’t actually read them. Chopparoo next time somebody tells you they’re not gay eleven times in ten minutes, or attempts to insult you with a “hey, the eighties called, they want their glasses/loafers/piano key necktie back.” Anytime you see a tribal tat or some douche who thinks he’s being funny by cutting his hair into a mullet. By inserting something so simple*, elegant, and more indiscrete than punching him/her in the face, you’ll be letting them know not only that they suck, but also not to get their suckiness on you because you know karate, sucker.
*for a similar effect without actual contact, also see the head-fake. If you’re not familiar, see YouTube, Mark the Goalie, or any Master P video.
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