"The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies."

Halloween is today, as you all know, and it’s Friday so there will not only be all kinds of private parties, but your favorite bar in town is no doubt having some sort of scareoke or alternately clever play on words-type-shindig, and there is no better excuse to make out with rainbow bright or Captain Jack, so you’ll need a costume, right? What?! You haven’t seen a calendar and have been so busy looking up “giant foam fist” on your Google that you didn’t even realize that Halloween is today and you can’t wear that clown costume again because now the cops know what they’re looking for?! Don’t worry, friend! We got you! If you’re only empty handed because your friend bailed on your sweet idea for Motley Crue costumes at the last minute, you’re in luck too (and I agree, a sweet Tommy Lee costume just wouldn’t be the same without an equally sweet Nikki). Here are a few easy, inexpensive, and slightly inappropriate costume ideas from us to you:

o Pink bubble gum makes for sweet fake nipples, you can put them anywhere, and people are a little put-off when you put them in your mouth. Eeeew.

o Pick anyone from the recording industry, especially if you’re of the opposite sex. Cross-dressing is a sure fire winner, and a guy version of Jessica Simpson or Lil’ Kim would be pretty easily tossed together and effective. Amy Winehouse is an easy and good one, no matter what sex you are.

o I saw a guy once that came to a Halloween party wearing only a pair of jeans and his sneakers. I said: “what are you supposed to be?” he said “a pre-mature ejaculation” I said “huh?” he said “I came in my pants” ahhh hahahahaha. I think
it’s been enough years that you won’t run into anyone else that saw that guy do that.

o If you can get enough of that scar tissue gum stuff to make your neck look like a vagina, you can be John McCain, or Jarod the Subway guy

o A bra outside your cloths, messy hair, pit stains, crazily applied lipstick smeared all over your face, and a gun, and nobody will ask you what you’re supposed to be because they’ll be too scared of you to talk to you. Cool.

o Find any suit that you have and pair it with a sweet fake moustache and Viking helmet (found at any Halloween store). This says that Vikings, just like normal people, are perfectly capable of getting a real job, too, thank you.

o McLovin’

o Though un-original, nobody can say “no” to a doctor, especially if you’ve got a clever name like Dr. Ben Dover or Dr. Harry Scrotum.

o Dress up as your best friend (a caricature version, you gotta rib him a little) unbeknownst to your best friend, just make sure that he’ll be wherever you go. See if he even notices.

o Nothing says “this only MIGHT be a costume” like an afro wig and tuxedo t shirt

o I saw a guy once that rolled himself up in a sheet, painted his face green, and went as a joint. We were way too high at the time to notice that it really wasn’t that funny.

That’s all I have time for now, because I have to get my own costume together, but any two things that wouldn’t normally go together works, so, you know, just throw some shit on, and get out there. Rock on!

Here’s a few really last minute Halloween destination for you chumps who don’t have anything better to do:

Billy’s Lounge- Pimps & Ho’s party
Founder’s- Halloween party featuring UV Hippopotamus (not the hip-hoppopotamus though) and Oracle
Mega 80’s (see our post on them) Halloween- Intersection
Monte’s – Halloween Slutfest 2008
Bob – Slutfest 2008 continued. Keep your hands off my hockey players, bitches!
Your mom’s Basement- Dungeons and Dragons by yourself while you think fondly on your 2nd grade art teacher and that one picture you painted her with a body fluid that wasn’t pee. Why was she so freakin’ put out by that? Jeez. I will NOT see you there.
1,000,000 random house parties- just jump on a wagon, dude. That’s what we’re doing! Who can say no to a Charles Manson lookalike who smells a little like lawn fertilizer and is twitching uncontrollably? It’s Halloween! See you at Chuck’s!

I really do love you, Austin!